Still wanna try, still believe in (good days)

Hello, it's been a while. I'm sorry but I think this post might be triggering to some. I just wish... maybe... even though I don't and I can't provide any solution, but maybe, we could feel a little less... alone? You know.

So... where to start... uhmmm...

Masuk ke bulan ketiga 2021, sejauh ini ada beberapa hal yang bikin semangat kayak writing freelance work yang belum mulai dan gue dihubungi seseorang out of the blue nawarin audisi untuk... sesuatu yang gue gak mau sebutkan karena takut jinx hehe.

Job vacancy nulis itu ditawari Mas Deka, it's interesting so I applied. Jarang-jarang kan gue nemu sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan pekerjaan yang gue bisa dengan mantap bilang gue mau. Setelah tidak dibalas semingguan dan gue mulai nrimo kalau portfolio gue gak cocok sama mereka, akhirnya balasan datang (which was kinda personalized, the email made me feel at ease and appreciated. Nice touch!) dan gue diberi assignment yang lumayan bikin gue deg-degan karena artikelnya harus dalam bahasa Inggris dan topiknya yang lumayan bikin keblinger. I never wrote anything in English! I mean, a legit article gitu. Thank God for free Grammarly, prepositions gue banyak yang dibenerin haha. Then they got back to me, I got it. As one of the freelancers I assume, but yeah. I've been so nervous about it. Tapi gue diterima... so I must've done something right, right? I'm kinda happy about it, like... I surprised myself. I have it in me. Buried within. But maybe it's luck. Anyway, harusnya gue mulai awal Maret tapi mereka sedang membereskan brief atau apalah, jadi ditunda sampai April. So, fingers crossed.

Kemudian suatu hari gue bangun tidur, cek handphone, dan ada whatsapp message dari entah siapa (presumably casting director?) yang nawarin audisi. Gue gak tahu dia dapat contact gue dari mana, tapi asumsi gue dari profile dan portfolio yang gue kirim tahun lalu lewat Dias. Tahun lalu, Dias sempat bilang kalau temannya sedang terlibat sama proyek film rahasia dengan well known queer director di Hollywood untuk syuting di Batam atau apalah. Mereka nyari figuran? I MEAN. I whipped up an impromptu profile and portfolio, sent it to him, tried to forget it and actually forgot about it. So yeah, there's that. Gue balas whatsappnya, dia minta telepon, kemudian dia telepon menjelaskan sedikit tentang proyeknya, dan terakhir ngirim script dua halaman dengan satu baris kalimat yang gue harus buat jadi audition tape lengkap dengan profile, in english.

Gue ke genteng karena luas dan terang benderang... rekam profile depan samping kiri samping kanan... kemudian gue horrified sendiri liat side profile gue dan almost broke down... but I hyped myself cos I aint got time, gotta send this shit real quick. Dan karena gue cuma disediakan satu kalimat tanpa background soal karakternya sama sekali, entah dia siapa dan motivasinya apa, jadi lah gue mereka-reka sendiri. Dua halaman script dihabiskan buat karakter lain yang gue gatau siapa dan karakter gue cuma ujug-ujug muncul dan ucapin sebaris kalimat. Did several takes. Reviewed and horrified once more. But the show must go on. Gue edit serapi mungkin modal inshot, upload videonya ke gdrive dan share linknya ke orang itu. Terakhir kali dia minta akses, and.... that was it. It's been a week dan gak ada kabar lagi. Gue tahu produksinya sebentar lagi, jadi mungkin gue gak dapet? Dan sekarang gue mulai internalized semuanya :( I told myself to not go theeeere but I did anyway... mungkin karena bahan audisinya hanya satu kalimat, jadinya gue over analyzed dan over critical... like a single sentence and I had to make it worthwhile... Dan sejak itu, my already-nonexistent confidence dipped even lower.

Anyway.. kabar gue. It's been hard I might say. I don't think I'm fine. I haven't been fine. I feel like I'm on a verge of breakdowns all the fucking time. Just a little thing could tip me off any given time. I'm sorry. I've been thinking of hurting myself a lot. Well I did. Mostly by slapping myself so hard, or scratching and squeezing the skin so hard it scars. Then I also... managed to... scratch my arm with a sharp object. It ain't deep tho (._.  ) just a bit of swelling that turned into red thin lines and vanished in probably 3 days and left no scar... so far. Tapi yang buat gue takut adalah dari yang sebelumnya hanya di pikiran, I finally acted on it. I'm scared of what I might do next time. I'm sorry. But I get it now... the release that they're talking about. And what's even scarier is I've been thinking of death almost every day. Sometimes I stare at the aforementioned sharp object and think.. what's stopping me. I'm an inch away from death. Situasinya mendukung. Gue sering sendirian di rumah. Atau gue bisa melakukannya saat jam tidur dan mungkin ditemukan besok saat mbak mau nyapu kamar gue. Jendela waktu dan kesempatannya banyak sekali. But what's holding me back sih... I'm weak. But Fajar came to mind.. Bagus and my very few close friends.. delicious food and good music... good movies... little things in life. Maybe I love... life, sometimes. It ain't all bad... what I hate the most is this vessel I live in.

Tbh I've been thinking of telling my parents about this... grim thought, dan mungkin mereka bisa bantu gue seek a professional help per my request.. tapi gue ngabayangin mereka bakalan jadi terus khawatir dan gue yakin bakalan annoying in a long run, gue jadi urung. Besides... masa lagi-lagi gue jadi burden. In the mean time, I'll think of this post as some talking points for my future therapist.. (._.  )

Belum lama ini gue broke down hanya karena selentingan tolol yang keluar dari mulut nyokap. Gue lagi berdiri sambil minum di samping meja makan, terus dia yang lagi merokok di dapur sambil ngelihatin gue, tiba-tiba nyeletuk "ada yang belendung tuh perutnya" or something along that line. Bitch. Her words always pack a huge amount of power over me. Macam Kryptonite. I know she didn't mean anyhting malicious, it's just.. shit boomer says. Tapi dengan isi kepala gue yang gak beres dan gue yang gak punya self worth ini, rasanya kayak domino yang disentil runtuh. Told you I'm on endge. So I cried in front of the mirror feeling shitty nonstop megamix that night.

Broke down lainnya hanya karena suatu hari lihat IG story teman. I mean, they're my high school best friends. Gue lihat Bem & Pemi pergi ke Bali berdua yang tampaknya dadakan. It must've been nice to have the money to do that. Quick getaway. Keingat isi rekening gue yang tinggal dua ratus ribuan. Kemudian gue keingat betapa malunya yang lalu lalu ketika mereka ngajak staycation dan gue gak diajak patungan karena, well, gue gak pernah punya uang. Atau gue harus menghindar ajakan pergi makan bareng mereka karena.. well I can't always afford those fancy restaurants and bars tbh. I mean, gue masih diajak, tapi ngerti kan perasaan gue bagaimana. Kami berempat, dengan Ardy juga, sahabatan pas SMA. Tapi lihat keadaan mereka semua saat ini, dan lihat keadaan gue sendiri... gue yang paling tertinggal jauh di belakang. Bem sejak lulus kuliah, dia sekolah dan kerja di Shanghai sebelum akhirnya kerja dan tinggal di Sydney. Pemi dengan, idk, her lifestyle dan IG storynya yang lagi cari marble for flooring.. she's building her own place ffs. Dan Ardy yang sekolah lagi di Melbourne, reading books on the beach and at the park. Meanwhile gue... ya buntelan sampah aja. I'm sure they have their own hardships ya, I'm sure they worked so hard to get to this place they're at. Belum personal stuffs yang mungkin gue gatau. Who knows. But I can't help being so... defeated.

Sampai-sampai kemarin, hal barusan yang mendem di subconscious gue akhirnya berubah wujud jadi mimpi buruk. Literally. Kemarin di dalam mimpi gue ada Bem dan lainnya. But in it, they were so.. mean. So belittling. Downplay semua emosi gue. Ngetawain cerita gue. Lengkap dengan muka smug dan jahat. Gue teriak di mimpi kalau gue capek jadi footnote. I was sooo frustrated and angry in my dream. Gue kebangun dengan heavy breathing dan perasaan busuk. Dada gue penuh. Gue marah. Dan tentu saja outletnya ya... gue nangis. Bangun tidur. Nangis. At the start of my day. Ruined. Sorenya gue lihat berita Deddy dan Luna Maya downplaying mental health confessionnya kontestan INTM. Orang goblok dikasih platform. I was so triggered. Gue sampe gemeteran karena marah.

Habis itu dalam upaya merasa sedikit "hidup" gue cabut ke AEON cuma buat beli Beautylaboo. Gue mau cat rambut gue kembali gelap. Sejak nyokap (lagi-lagi) out of the blue nyeletuk gue gak bagus cat-cat rambut dan mendingan rambut gelap, gue jadi internalized hal itu dan mulai gak suka lihat rambut gue sendiri. So I bought the stuff and treated myself to a nice matcha parfait with very little money I have just so I could feel a little bit better.

Pulangnya ngobrol sama Fajar di chat, dia bilang rambut gue fine-fine aja. Dan gue ngomong soal celetukan nyokap di atas... yang dia respon dengan... hidup udah ribet ngapain mikirin omongan orang lain... dan kayak kenapa omongan nyokap yang jelek didengerin meanwhile dia ngomong hal bagus tentang gue, gue gak pernah denger dan terima... dan diakhiri dengan ya-udah-ga-usah-diomongin-deh-toh-selama-ini-udah-berulang-ulang-dibahas-tapi-nihil.

Berulang-ulang.

Nihil.

Gak ada progres.

Berkutat di kubangan yang sama.

Bayangin beratnya Kirsten Dunst buat melangkah di opening Melancholia? Kayak gitu rasanya?

I... again, I felt so... defeated. Yang bahkan gue belum berani dan mulai melakukan apapun.

He's tired of it.

Fajar orang yang sangat nurut logika. Satu tambah satu ya dua. Lo gak suka sesuatu, ya diubah. Gitu kan? Lo mau badan bagus.. Lo mau Bugatti.. atau Maserati.. ya kerja keras. Mau uang ya cari kerja. Mau pede pake baju lagi ya mulai work out.

Tapi yang gue gak tahu kenapa, dan masih gue terus pertanyakan... kenapa gue stuck di tempat yang sama. Gue hanya berhenti di bagian... feeling sorry and critical over myself, over my existence, blame it over and over but I don't do anyhting about it. 

Dan dia capek ngomongin hal ini berulang kali ke gue. I totally get it. I'm tired of myself too???

Keingat dia rengkuh wajah gue sambil bilang kalau gue gak menjijikkan dan dia sayang sama gue. That's a very nice thing to say. And to hear. Kalau kata Ariana Grande, I wanna love me the way that you love me. For all of my pretty and all of my ugly too. I'd love to see me from your point of view.

Tapi gue juga sedih karena... responnya tadi rasanya gak tepat untuk handle gue yang lagi kayak begini. It's a very matter of fact response. It's as if he's telling me to snap out of it. Baby, I really wish I could. But the way my brain works is so... roundabout and so mean. It's as if it's wired that way. And I'm not saying I have a depression or some kind of mental illness... then again being depressed and having a depression is different I think... But I know what I feel and it's not good. I do feel depressed most of the time, and I wish I could just get out of it. I wish I, myself, could fish me out of it. But I feel so... crippled, powerless and weak. Kayak gue tenggelem and there are rocks weighing me down. Apalagi gue ga bisa berenang.

Tbh gue jadi agak enggan untuk cerita ke dia kalau kalau kali berikutnya gue kumat.. :'(

Ya iya omongan bagus dari dia gak pernah bisa gue terima karena gue ga punya self worth to begin with. Gue ga bisa lihat hal bagus yang gue punya. Sialnya gue juga ga punya confidence to back it up. Bayangin kalau gue goblok dan ga bisa apa-apa tapi gue bisa fake it til i make it. Slither my way through life. Sedangkan omongan jelek dengan mudahnya gue internalized karena buat gue itu validasi. Kayak, yes you're right, I'm worthless, tell me about it.

Self worth and confidence. Or the lack thereof. It is the bane of my existance. Istg. It's the root of all my  problems. Where did it go wrong. What changed. Why am I like this. I just want to be normal. The fail and then get back up normal.

Kalau gue punya self worth dan confidence gue udah kerja dari kapan tahu.

The thought of... having to apply for work yang gue percaya gue ga bisa... dihakimi dan dinilai based on my portfolio/cv... menunggu... ditolak... dan ngebayangin kalau keterima gue harus prove myself to them every single day that im capable and worthy meanwhile gue punya 0 self esteem... its so scary. Ngebayangin gue harus break in into a new social group... being a queer person in a very straight world... i have to explain myself over and over... gue mual ngebayanginnya saking takutnya. Gue diajak Fajar gabung ke grup temennya yang isinya straights dengan kaos hitam aja gue menghindar karena takut. And he's not exactly the most accomodating person di situasi kayak gitu ya. Again, gue ngerasa defeated kayak... fuck, I wish I could me more social and outgoing. It's a blessed virtue, and I wish I have it.

Gue pikir.. kenapa gue takut sekali gagal dalam mencoba hal yang gue suka, selain itu jadi validasi betapa inkompetennya gue... kalau hal yang gue suka aja, things that I hope I am good in, dan ternyata gue gagal dan bego... gue punya apa lagi...

I'm struggling every day to find a reason to live for as of now.

But today I tried to make a daily schedule for me to adhere to. Just a tiny thing to resemble an order. Something to hold on too.

Gak ambisius. Banyak ruang untuk gue yang pengangguran ini untuk read a book and do other stuffs. Cuma lebih in order aja karena selama ini gue kewalahan sendiri mau ngapain. So many things to do, ended up doing nothing.

Just try to stick to it for three days. Then evaluate.

There's workout in it... Oof... Tapi gak muluk-muluk. Just try to move. Just move. Stretch out. Go walk. Sweat a little. Anything. Yang penting gerak.

Dan banyak waktu untuk maksa gue duduk untuk menulis.

Kemarin-kemarin Andi telepon nanya kabar dan ngasih unjuk folder yang dia kasih nama "Book_Cavin". Isinya tulisan-tulisan yang selama ini gue kirim ke dia. Gue terharu dan merasa jadi sedikit lebih semangat untuk lanjutin tulisan gue yang selama ini gue hindari dan cuma tulis di dalam kepala.

So yeah, I'm trying to take over the control over myself. Sekecil apapun.

Tell me I'm not my fears, my limitation kalau kata teteh SZA mah.

Dan untuk siapapun yang kebetulan baca tulisan gue... Thank you so very much and I'm wishing you a warm fuzzy day, always.