👻
Then we went to several magical dates and meetups.
Those 2 weeks were pretty intense. I could literally feel the tingling pulsating sensation under my skin, all over my body. Dinner, another bazaar, staycation, dinner, movies, more movies and dinner.. (quite) constant texts and sometimes phone calls.. well, I, I had tremendous fun. Our dates were fun and dare I say, romantic, heck I even don't consider myself as a romantic person. Lotsa PDA involved. What the fuck. I even hate PDA?!?!
But then I made a.. what was it.. a silly mistake? Was it even consider a mistake?? Then he bolted. Drifting, slowly, further and further away. He ghosted me... My first time being ghosted, I think???
I don't get it. What changed. No answer. No closure. Nothing.
And I'm still recuperating from... all that. To this day.
I consider this as a heartbreak.
Okay I'm writing this, just trying to make sense of everything. Unravel the yarn in my brain.
Whatever it was, what we had, it was real to me. Walaupun memang cepat dan ngebut banget. But still, my feelings were true and honest. Dan aksi reaksi, gue gak akan begini kalau dia gak begitu. So I thought everything was mutual.
Semuanya baik-baik aja, sampai satu hari gue janjian kencan hari Minggu. Kami berencana untuk pergi ke beberapa tempat untuk makan dan duduk diam di coffee shops. He loves coffee shops so much. Tapi kemudian dia berubah pikiran, ingin save up katanya. Lalu gue bilang, sejujurnya gue gak masalah diam di tempatnya, rebahan dan ngobrol-ngobrol santai aja. Tapi dia seperti menghindari subject itu, gak bilang iya gak bilang enggak. Sampai akhirnya gue ngomong, "Kamu sepertinya against sekali aku main ke tempatmu." Dan dia tersinggung...
Not in the mood katanya ajak orang ke tempatnya. Which I replied I thought im not just anyone. Clingy much cav... dia bilang he loves his personal space so much, yang gue sudah tahu juga sih, dia pernah ngomong, dan gue mengerti. Saat itu gue cuma, I craved an intimacy aja gitu, situasi yg intim. But anyway, okay.
Dan kita bertemu setelahnya. And we had an intense talk.
We were talking about.. taking it slow. About how he's offended by my remarks. About how he's independent and loves to do everything by himself.. about how everything has its own boxes dan dia masih bingung variabel gue mau taruh di mana. Bagaimana kalau kita jalanin ini, it doesnt mean we have to text and call every day. Heck-I-could-be-gone-for-two-days. Yang mong omong gue paham semuanya. Kita baru kenal bentar banget. Dan tentunya hal ini.. wajar. Well, at least now I know.
Gue gak tahu kalau hal ini malah jadi dealbreaker? Atau seenggaknya, asumsi gue. Karena, lagi, gue dibiarkan tanpa penjelasan.
Kemudian minggu ketiga.. dia mulai.. moody. Pekerjaan di kantor sepertinya bikin dia overwhelmed. Dia mulai hilang-hilangan. Dan saat kita sempat bicara pun, sebentar, kemudian dia hilang lagi. Enggak ada lagi dia minta telepon untuk cerita soal hal menyebalkan di kantornya atau semacamnya. Diganti sama aku-istirahat-dulu-ya-gak-megang-hape, ya gitu. No more good night and good morning, no more selfies. It's colder. You get the gist lah.
Kemudian, dari chat yang berkurang drastis berubah menjadi.. dia yang hilang beberapa hari.
He iced me out.
Ya memang gak harus ngobrol secara constant. Tapi berkabar every now and then would be nice.
And hear me, gak ada orang yang sesibuk itu sampai gak bisa ngabarin lo sedikit pun. Yang ada mereka emang gak mau.
Berapa lama sih waktu yang dibutuhin untuk balas chat atau sekedar berkabar? Paling beberapa menit, dari 24 jam yang lo punya dalam sehari. Berkabar sebentar and i'll leave you to whatever it is you're doing ffs. Whatsapp gue dianggurin, when clearly, dia pakai whatsapp untuk komunikasi. He was online.
I was worried. Wondering how he was doin. Since he left me no explanation, I was left with my own assumptions and thought. Yang tentu saja, I mean, come on... you know me, pastinya buruk-buruk. Fuck he might've fallen out of love. He changed his mind. He.. idk man??? It could be ANYTHING.
Sampai suatu saat gue gak tahan gue chat lagi Christmas morning. "Are you ghosting me?" yang kemudian gue unsent - tapi ternyata sudah kebaca. Dia bilang.. I-just-enjoy-being-alone-atm-and-no-im-not-ghosting-you.. but no, im pretty sure that this is exactly the meaning of ghosting.............. you-know-its-been-months-since-im-alone-but-tbh-ive-never-felt-lonely... yang jelas artinya i honestly dont really need you.
Gue balas lagi soal perasaan gue.. bagaimana gue merasa.. taken aback. Kayak.. the first two weeks were.. ya yang gue tulis di atas.. lalu skrg dia tiba-tiba berubah 180 derajat. Kalau memang dia sesungguhnya begini dari awal, mungkin gue gak akan kaget sekarang. Lah ini... gue berusaha bikin ini semua makes sense. Mungkin 2 minggu kemarin dia kerahkan efforts walaupun dia gak sepenuhnya nyaman, dan mungkin sekarang gue sudah ada di orbitnya, dia bisa let loose dan ngasih unjuk sisi dirinya yang lain. Mungkin? Mungkin... Mungkin gak sih?
Gue juga bilang gue merasa seakan-akan we're doing this on his term only. Gak sebaiknya kita.. meet each other halfway gitu?
Dan ya.. as expected. He disappeared, again.
Dia sedang siap-siap pindahan ke apartemen baru. Mungkin he got a lot on his plate. Maybe, just maybe, dia bakalan invite me over kalau sudah beres. Spend NYE together? Idk.. lets not get our hopes up ya.
Dan text gue beneran aja masih dianggurin sampai tgl 31. Gue gak bisa tidur karena gelisah. Fuck, gue bahkan gak ingat kapan terakhir gue tidur nyenyak. Jadi gue nekat jam setengah 6 pagi kirim text ke dia, ngajak dia untuk ngobrol somewhere private cos i really need to see him and have a talk.
He replied, 3 hours later. Dengan tidak mengindahkan texts gue sebelumnya tentunyaa.
Dia ajak gue ketemu di apartemen barunya nanti malam. I was feeling so much lighter. Let's end this right. Let's get some answers. 2019 cleanup!
Only for him to bailed out an hour later.
Pls-dont-be-mad-at-me-but-...
Dia akan ada acara sampai malam...
He didn't even say sorry.
Gue lemes. Gue cuma bisa nanya... how late... how about tomorrow...
Dan gak dibalas.
Even though he was online. Whatsapp gue sengaja dihindarin.
Demi tuhan. Its not hard. Ngasih jawaban kayak.. aduh-aku-gak-tahu-gak-bisa-janji-dulu atau apa lah. Atau bilang aja sekalian i dont wanna see you, seenggaknya itu jawaban.
Dan besok paginya.. tahun baru, gue lihat dia sudah upload story jam 7 pagi.. and still no reply.
Honestly, this is an answer.
He's just not that into me.
He doesn't care about me.
I'm not being appreciated here.
So I guess... I got to draw the line here. Preserve the little dignity i have left.
Fuck. Fuck that terribly cute face.
Fuck all the love-yous he said to me. (iya iya baru dua minggu, but we feel what we feel man...)
Fuck our pact. We agreed to only see each other (dan Bagus).
Fuck all the im-not-going-anywhere, all the im-here-if-u-need-me, all the lets-figure-things-out-together...
Orang itu ke mana???
Gue sampai bacain text kami dari awal, gue berusaha analisa, buktiin kalau gue gak gila, ini semua gak cuma di kepala gue doang...
Ya semesta, gak susah loh bilang kalo ada apa apa. Bilang aja. Jangan kayak begini. It's not fair. It's selfish. It's cruel. It's... fucking juvenile.
Gue pun baru ingat, awal kita kenalan, dia bilang dia baru aja recovered karena dighosting cowok yang padahal dia udah invested for the past month or something? Only for him to do the same thing.. to me? Huh...
Maybe it's cos he's 23. I mean, siapa yang tahu maunya apa di umur segitu sih. You want all the options in the world. Mungkin yang semua dia rasakan ke gue dan lakukan untuk gue memang tulus dan beneran pada saat itu. Dan 2 minggu kemudian berubah. Ya mungkin. Mungkin semuanya mungkin. But I just need.. and answer.
Dan kemudian teman ngasih unjuk kalau dia ada di Bumble atau apalah itu... I get it.
Dua minggu itu apa dong...
Dada gue masih nyes, kalau tiba-tiba lihat dia nongol di Spotify sedang dengerin lagu.. like, I know he's there..
It hurts.
I swear to god.
...
Seriously, 3 heartbreaks in the span of 3 months.
Yes, 3.
I broke up with Bagus.
We ended our 4+ yrs relationship.
2019 blew up at my face.
Happy new year.
Those 2 weeks were pretty intense. I could literally feel the tingling pulsating sensation under my skin, all over my body. Dinner, another bazaar, staycation, dinner, movies, more movies and dinner.. (quite) constant texts and sometimes phone calls.. well, I, I had tremendous fun. Our dates were fun and dare I say, romantic, heck I even don't consider myself as a romantic person. Lotsa PDA involved. What the fuck. I even hate PDA?!?!
But then I made a.. what was it.. a silly mistake? Was it even consider a mistake?? Then he bolted. Drifting, slowly, further and further away. He ghosted me... My first time being ghosted, I think???
I don't get it. What changed. No answer. No closure. Nothing.
And I'm still recuperating from... all that. To this day.
I consider this as a heartbreak.
Okay I'm writing this, just trying to make sense of everything. Unravel the yarn in my brain.
Whatever it was, what we had, it was real to me. Walaupun memang cepat dan ngebut banget. But still, my feelings were true and honest. Dan aksi reaksi, gue gak akan begini kalau dia gak begitu. So I thought everything was mutual.
Semuanya baik-baik aja, sampai satu hari gue janjian kencan hari Minggu. Kami berencana untuk pergi ke beberapa tempat untuk makan dan duduk diam di coffee shops. He loves coffee shops so much. Tapi kemudian dia berubah pikiran, ingin save up katanya. Lalu gue bilang, sejujurnya gue gak masalah diam di tempatnya, rebahan dan ngobrol-ngobrol santai aja. Tapi dia seperti menghindari subject itu, gak bilang iya gak bilang enggak. Sampai akhirnya gue ngomong, "Kamu sepertinya against sekali aku main ke tempatmu." Dan dia tersinggung...
Not in the mood katanya ajak orang ke tempatnya. Which I replied I thought im not just anyone. Clingy much cav... dia bilang he loves his personal space so much, yang gue sudah tahu juga sih, dia pernah ngomong, dan gue mengerti. Saat itu gue cuma, I craved an intimacy aja gitu, situasi yg intim. But anyway, okay.
Dan kita bertemu setelahnya. And we had an intense talk.
We were talking about.. taking it slow. About how he's offended by my remarks. About how he's independent and loves to do everything by himself.. about how everything has its own boxes dan dia masih bingung variabel gue mau taruh di mana. Bagaimana kalau kita jalanin ini, it doesnt mean we have to text and call every day. Heck-I-could-be-gone-for-two-days. Yang mong omong gue paham semuanya. Kita baru kenal bentar banget. Dan tentunya hal ini.. wajar. Well, at least now I know.
Gue gak tahu kalau hal ini malah jadi dealbreaker? Atau seenggaknya, asumsi gue. Karena, lagi, gue dibiarkan tanpa penjelasan.
Kemudian minggu ketiga.. dia mulai.. moody. Pekerjaan di kantor sepertinya bikin dia overwhelmed. Dia mulai hilang-hilangan. Dan saat kita sempat bicara pun, sebentar, kemudian dia hilang lagi. Enggak ada lagi dia minta telepon untuk cerita soal hal menyebalkan di kantornya atau semacamnya. Diganti sama aku-istirahat-dulu-ya-gak-megang-hape, ya gitu. No more good night and good morning, no more selfies. It's colder. You get the gist lah.
Kemudian, dari chat yang berkurang drastis berubah menjadi.. dia yang hilang beberapa hari.
He iced me out.
Ya memang gak harus ngobrol secara constant. Tapi berkabar every now and then would be nice.
And hear me, gak ada orang yang sesibuk itu sampai gak bisa ngabarin lo sedikit pun. Yang ada mereka emang gak mau.
Berapa lama sih waktu yang dibutuhin untuk balas chat atau sekedar berkabar? Paling beberapa menit, dari 24 jam yang lo punya dalam sehari. Berkabar sebentar and i'll leave you to whatever it is you're doing ffs. Whatsapp gue dianggurin, when clearly, dia pakai whatsapp untuk komunikasi. He was online.
I was worried. Wondering how he was doin. Since he left me no explanation, I was left with my own assumptions and thought. Yang tentu saja, I mean, come on... you know me, pastinya buruk-buruk. Fuck he might've fallen out of love. He changed his mind. He.. idk man??? It could be ANYTHING.
Sampai suatu saat gue gak tahan gue chat lagi Christmas morning. "Are you ghosting me?" yang kemudian gue unsent - tapi ternyata sudah kebaca. Dia bilang.. I-just-enjoy-being-alone-atm-and-no-im-not-ghosting-you.. but no, im pretty sure that this is exactly the meaning of ghosting.............. you-know-its-been-months-since-im-alone-but-tbh-ive-never-felt-lonely... yang jelas artinya i honestly dont really need you.
Gue balas lagi soal perasaan gue.. bagaimana gue merasa.. taken aback. Kayak.. the first two weeks were.. ya yang gue tulis di atas.. lalu skrg dia tiba-tiba berubah 180 derajat. Kalau memang dia sesungguhnya begini dari awal, mungkin gue gak akan kaget sekarang. Lah ini... gue berusaha bikin ini semua makes sense. Mungkin 2 minggu kemarin dia kerahkan efforts walaupun dia gak sepenuhnya nyaman, dan mungkin sekarang gue sudah ada di orbitnya, dia bisa let loose dan ngasih unjuk sisi dirinya yang lain. Mungkin? Mungkin... Mungkin gak sih?
Gue juga bilang gue merasa seakan-akan we're doing this on his term only. Gak sebaiknya kita.. meet each other halfway gitu?
Dan ya.. as expected. He disappeared, again.
Dia sedang siap-siap pindahan ke apartemen baru. Mungkin he got a lot on his plate. Maybe, just maybe, dia bakalan invite me over kalau sudah beres. Spend NYE together? Idk.. lets not get our hopes up ya.
Dan text gue beneran aja masih dianggurin sampai tgl 31. Gue gak bisa tidur karena gelisah. Fuck, gue bahkan gak ingat kapan terakhir gue tidur nyenyak. Jadi gue nekat jam setengah 6 pagi kirim text ke dia, ngajak dia untuk ngobrol somewhere private cos i really need to see him and have a talk.
He replied, 3 hours later. Dengan tidak mengindahkan texts gue sebelumnya tentunyaa.
Dia ajak gue ketemu di apartemen barunya nanti malam. I was feeling so much lighter. Let's end this right. Let's get some answers. 2019 cleanup!
Only for him to bailed out an hour later.
Pls-dont-be-mad-at-me-but-...
Dia akan ada acara sampai malam...
He didn't even say sorry.
Gue lemes. Gue cuma bisa nanya... how late... how about tomorrow...
Dan gak dibalas.
Even though he was online. Whatsapp gue sengaja dihindarin.
Demi tuhan. Its not hard. Ngasih jawaban kayak.. aduh-aku-gak-tahu-gak-bisa-janji-dulu atau apa lah. Atau bilang aja sekalian i dont wanna see you, seenggaknya itu jawaban.
Dan besok paginya.. tahun baru, gue lihat dia sudah upload story jam 7 pagi.. and still no reply.
Honestly, this is an answer.
He's just not that into me.
He doesn't care about me.
I'm not being appreciated here.
So I guess... I got to draw the line here. Preserve the little dignity i have left.
Fuck. Fuck that terribly cute face.
Fuck all the love-yous he said to me. (iya iya baru dua minggu, but we feel what we feel man...)
Fuck our pact. We agreed to only see each other (dan Bagus).
Fuck all the im-not-going-anywhere, all the im-here-if-u-need-me, all the lets-figure-things-out-together...
Orang itu ke mana???
Gue sampai bacain text kami dari awal, gue berusaha analisa, buktiin kalau gue gak gila, ini semua gak cuma di kepala gue doang...
Ya semesta, gak susah loh bilang kalo ada apa apa. Bilang aja. Jangan kayak begini. It's not fair. It's selfish. It's cruel. It's... fucking juvenile.
Gue pun baru ingat, awal kita kenalan, dia bilang dia baru aja recovered karena dighosting cowok yang padahal dia udah invested for the past month or something? Only for him to do the same thing.. to me? Huh...
Maybe it's cos he's 23. I mean, siapa yang tahu maunya apa di umur segitu sih. You want all the options in the world. Mungkin yang semua dia rasakan ke gue dan lakukan untuk gue memang tulus dan beneran pada saat itu. Dan 2 minggu kemudian berubah. Ya mungkin. Mungkin semuanya mungkin. But I just need.. and answer.
Dan kemudian teman ngasih unjuk kalau dia ada di Bumble atau apalah itu... I get it.
Dua minggu itu apa dong...
Dada gue masih nyes, kalau tiba-tiba lihat dia nongol di Spotify sedang dengerin lagu.. like, I know he's there..
It hurts.
I swear to god.
...
It's like a warning
The way we're crashing into everything
I feel it coming
I hold my breath, I'm seeing everything
It's like a warning
The way we're crashing into everything
I feel it coming
I hold my breath, I'm seeing everything
The way we're crashing into everything
I feel it coming
I hold my breath, I'm seeing everything
It's like a warning
The way we're crashing into everything
I feel it coming
I hold my breath, I'm seeing everything
So will you tell me
Did you ever care?
I need to know that
The play was fair
Please just tell me that it hurts
Please just tell me that it hurts
...Did you ever care?
I need to know that
The play was fair
Please just tell me that it hurts
Please just tell me that it hurts
Seriously, 3 heartbreaks in the span of 3 months.
Yes, 3.
I broke up with Bagus.
We ended our 4+ yrs relationship.
2019 blew up at my face.
Happy new year.
is he a Taurusian by any mean? cos he sounds like me a lot, not in a proud way tho..
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