finally, this shit show is drawing to a close!

==== postingan ini sudah ditulis sejak akhir oktober, gak pernah dipublish dan terus ditambah ====

I used to be so adventurous.. sexually, romantically.. Now I just want the good ol' basic romance. Still, grand romantic gestures irk me so very much tho, but yeah I want them cute dates and small cute moments.

My boyfriend isn't the most romantic partner, his love language is.. service. No words. It's all in his action. Sometimes I'm struggling a lot to fish out some words of affirmation out of him. And when I'm down and blue, when I cant see past my foggy mind and I just need some reassurance like him saying that he loves me, or everything's gonna be ok, yknow, all that good stuffs.. but oh my god he's so.. all logics and facts. Sometimes I hate that I gotta spell it out for him, I wish he could be more.. what is it.. I wish he could read between the lines more, ykwim???

But man, when he reminds me that he loves me, I could truuuuly feel it. I could truly see that he really loves me. Esp when we meet after we spend some time apart ya. I guess distance truly makes the heart grow fonder. His stare, his touch, his hugs, the sex.. oh god the sex. Reaffirming rasanya. Like I know, everything's gonna be just fine.

And our little moments?!?!!!! Like that time he suddenly held my hand in the art gallery between paintings.. that time he kissed me - on the lips! - di pinggir jalan??? That night we talked on the porch of the airbnb place we rented talking about John Mayer and vinyls and music.. oh oh or that time he caressed my hair at the dining table in front of my mom I-... I bet he doesn't remember all of these but my glob. I treasure them all.

For the first time ever, I keep on thinking about future. I keep on thinking about mar... baaarf... marri... SHUDDERRRR... THAT THING. IDK IF IT'S MY AGE OR... I JUST THINK IT MUST BE NICE I GUESS???? A union... whatever. Idk man idk man idk man... it's scary. But a little ceremony in New Zealand seems perfect... It's not like I have googled it or sumn *rolls eyes* It's just, I guess for once, I feel like I could find almost everyhting I need in a man??? Like he's enough and I feel... almost complete. (What's lacking is MONEY of course. Ugh)

But yeah, it's not just my thoughts sih,  or so I hope? We've been talking about future quite often. I mean, sometimes. Like once he showed me some houses-for-millenials and shit. I know it's still far in the future but.. yeah, that happened. Or talking about how many rooms we would have.. coffee machine, is it french press is it v60 or a little espresso machine.. kadang-kadang pun kita bercanda ngomongin soal nikah nonchalantly.. atau kayak kemarin dia tidur pantsless dan pas bangun dia mau nyelonong keluar, gue buru buru HEH HEH pakai celana duluuu, terus dia jawab, "Aku pikir ini rumah kita." Tai kan, ga bisa gue diginiin..... udahannya mesem-mesem sendiri gue di kamar. Gue sampai harus ngingetin diri gue sendiri untuk rem ini semua, note to self: pls refrain myself from talking too much about the future. Gue takut dia jadi ngeri??? Tapi kadang gue udah engga ngomongin, eh dia ada aja gitu melakukan atau ngomong hal semacamnya yang bikin deg degan gitu. (  >_<)

Beberapa saat lalu gue sempat bertengkar, I kinda forgot about what, probably my cuckoo spiraling mind per usual.. tapi gue jadi sadar kalau past relationship traumas gue kebaya sampai skrg. I'm so scared that he's gonna bail on me anytime, atau dia berpikir kalau gue gak akan cukup. Pacaran serius gue sebelumnya sudah tiga kali, and 2 of'em.. they basically left me for somethin/someone else, so... naturally, I... (._.  ) fuck. Well, dia bilang dia ga bawa past trauma nya ke hubungan kita... true that... I'm the messy one in this relationship and I hate it. He told me to live in the moment. He said I'm worried too much about something that's not even happening sampai lupa nikmatin yang sekarang. Dan dia bilang.. kita belum tentu terus bareng-bareng - which it hurts, hearing that out loud, but sadly that is just the fact... there's no guarantee, really.. But maybe a white lie, to hear a promise that we'd be together forever would be nice.. like deep down we both know that we're crossing our fingers anyway gitu kan.. But let's try to do our best - NOW.

Sigh.. As you can probably see, I'm crazy about him.. Fuck. I just love this man so much. I hope he's not reading this. Yeah I don't think he reads my blog..

Lately he's been very sweet tho, I think by now, he already knows how to deal with me in various circumstances hahaha. Like yesterday I was so overwhelmed while choosing Padang dish for dinner, he kinda pressured me to hurry.. I think he saw that I was kinda feeling distressed, then he changed his tone and assured me to take my time. Lol.

He's away for a couple of days for a freelance job, he said he misses me. Tumben banget??? I'm smitten of course.

- - -

So these past few months been a whirlwind.

September.. September was it? Mom outted me to my step dad. Uncalled for. I hated her for that, but I guess if she didn't do it I won't ever come out to Babeh. Suatu hari, dia masuk kamar duduk di sebelah gue kayak cari celah buat mulai ngomong.. hawanya annoying banget astaga.. akhirnya dia ngomong dengan opening yang salah.. "Babeh semalam nangis loh..." Ya jelas pertanyaan gue berikutnya adalah nangis kenapa. Dia bilang, dia ngomong ke Babeh kalau gue.. gay. What's with the brief pause deh. Ga bakal jadi batu kok kalau nyebut gay. Gay gay gay gay. Dia bilang it's unfair for him kalau enggak tahu. Then he cried. Kayak biasa nyokap kayak ngomongnya dipilih-pilih gitu kan takut gue sakit hati tapi somehow dia selalu manage to say the wrong things gitu. Intinya, muter-muter dia ngomongnya, Babeh khawatir sama gue kali ya.. that my life would be harder. Atau gue akan berakhir sendirian.. dan katanya dia gak nyangka sama sekali selama ini. Lol. Padahal practically gue kentut yang keluar glitter????

Setelahnya gue papasan sama Babeh ga ngomong apa-apa sih, but he gave me lots of... worried and loving looks gitu. Somewhat gentler dibanding biasanya. Kita emang ga begitu banyak ngomong satu sama lain kan. Babeh kaku gitu kan orangnyaa. But yeah, setelah Fajar mendorong gue untuk ngomong ke Babeh secara personal, which makes sense, masa gue diem-diem aja gitu kan.. pagi-pagi gue bangun, nyokap masih tidur tapi Babeh udah main handphone di sofa.. gue pipis, gue minum air, gue ngaca lama banget ngumpulin keberanian buat nyamper dia dan formally come out. So I did. Gue samperin dia ke sofa dan duduk di sebelahnya.. I said.. Babeh, udah tahu ya dari mami kalau aku gay....... what did I say next ya I forgot.. yang pasti dia taruh tangannya di bahu gue. He told me, "Koko gak perlu dengerin omongan orang ya, yang penting kamunya happy." I broke down. Dammit. Dia bilang just do whatever makes me happy. I told him about Fajar.. and then.. I told him I love him.

And yeah that was pretty much it. I'm free at last.. At home at least. I bet the rest of my family juga tahu Fajar siapa. Kalau Fajar ga ada pasti ditanyain ke mana. I'm.. happy about that. So so happy. Tho I can't say the same thing on his part sih.. I don't wanna talk about it. Except.. I know that being discreet dan ditentang orangtua is pretty much the norm for queer relationship but since I'm one of the lucky ones and I've been living in my bubble, it's quite shattering, and I'm sad about it.

But hey, one step at a time?

- - -

Gue dapat interview tanpa melamar dari sebuah perusahaan developer bangunan yang cari copywriter lumayan urgent. Gue langsung dihubungi karena ternyata gue direkomendasikan sama Rara (yang ternyata dia ga mau ambil). I know it's really hard to find a job right now and I am looking for one atm, but the thing is... gue bener-bener gak sreg sama sekali sama perusahaan ini. Interview langsung sama CEO nya by phone, Singaporean, gue ngomong Inggris belepotan :( Gue ga converse in english daily kan, jadi lah kalau on the spot gitu kacau balau huhu. Katanya pula kantornya di PIK, another planet basically.. jauh banget sama dunia gue and I don't.. like that.. huhu..

Terus pas ngerjain tes... I think I did a fine job, tapi gue muak sendiri translasi english copywriting untuk sebuah komplek eksklusif mewah untuk orang kaya... "for you the ten percent" - seriusan tulisannya begitu. Dengan security heboh, hydrophonic garden, private lake and stuffs??? Bener-bener eksklusif buat orang kaya banget lah. It felt soooo wrong??? This whole thing, office culture yang dijelaskan si CEO juga, rasanya vibenya dingin sekali.

Terus saking ga sregnya gue berkilah terus pas CEO nya mau telepon gue huhu.. sampai akhirnya dia sebel sendiri kali ya.. akhirnya dia bilang "nevermind" dan tutup hubungan secara formal dengan basa basi semoga ada lain kesempatan... I felt so so so so bad about all this. Naturally, expectedly, gue menyalahkan diri sendiri gue for quite some time. I felt so down. Selain gue yang merasa jijik sama diri gue sendiri karena panik sama dunia profesional... Gue sedih lihat Fajar yang giat banget lamar puluhan job vacations tapi ga ada callbacks, meanwhile gue dikasih orang dan langsung dilancarkan tapi gue menolak... it's not fair.. (._.   ) tolong semesta.. gue mohon kasih Fajar rejeki duluan.. baru gue.. :'(

I finally got another interview, did the test, considered as one of the shortlists, and then did the 2nd interview. Intinya gue udah ngarep sama yang ini, karena nulis copywriting untuk toko kue, at least ada bagian dari diri gue yang merasa satu frekuensi. Sampai seminggu gak ada kabar, gue hubungin HRD dan gak dibalas. Gue sampai nekat hubungin art director yang interview gue pertama kali, only to found out that the position is already filled. KABARIN NGENTOT. It's the least you could do???

Kalau inget-inget gue panas sampai ke ubun-ubun. Gue tahu this is how it is but come on man, let's not normalize this??? Orang lamar kerja kan waswas ya, menunggu kabar, mikirin nasib selanjutnya gimana, ya ini untung gue masih beruntung hidupnya aman di rumah, kalau orang yang lamar bener-bener depend on it gimana?

Perusahaan tuh brengsek deh.

Gue janji gue ga mau makan kue-kue medioker lo lagi. Blegh.

Berikutnya gue sempat test beberapa kali dan belum ada panggilan sama sekali.

Gue dapet duit dari orang tua dan beberapa kali jual barang yang gue punya (._.  )

Aaaand life goes on.

- - -

Gue sempat kepikiran untuk jualan ayam goreng aja apaya.. buttermilk fried chicken.. dan demi apapun, buttermilk fried chicken buatan gue enak??? Kulitnya kayak KFC original gitu, dan juicy parah. But as always, kemudian di tengah jalan gue gak pede untuk jalanin ini sendirian. Jadi lah enggak maju ke mana mana.. I hate myself so much. Masa gue butuh ditemenin dan dibimbing terus sih?? :'(

Beberapa saat lalu juga gue dan Fajar dan teman-temannya sempat datang ke angkringan di Cipete... rame dong. Kayaknya, asyik juga punya angkringan... elah banyak maunya.

Tapi hal lain yang beneran bikin gue semangat, gue mau bikin channel youtube gue jadi gaming channel. Gue mau upload gameplays game-game kesayangan gue jaman dulu etc. Saat ini gue baru nyiapin introduction video dan pingin rekam gameplay game pertama. Tapi si goblok ini pusing banget sama setupnya. Mesti nunggu Fajar yang ngerti buat setupin huhu. Suaranya suka ga muncul ya tuhan and there are just so many cables (._.  ) but you guys could subscribe to my channel firsttt. Namanya Cavin Tondeo kayaknya............... Subscribe ya?

"Cavintendo", plesetan Nintendo... lucu juga kali ya utk nama channel.

Fajar bilang kedengerannya agak cringe :( dan dia ngusulin "Vintendo"

tapi "Vin" kayak.. panggilan untuk Kevin gitu. Meanwhile, berapa banyak sih temen lo yang panggilannya "Cav"? (Hampir) gak ada kan?

- - -

Yesterday I went out for lunch with parents and boyfriend, and my chest feels so warm :') Kita juga sempat pergi bertiga (Mami dan Fajar) ke Bogor. At that moment, everything feels alright gitu.

- - -

Terakhir bertualang bulan September ya, dan di akhir November gue udah uring-uringan karena Wanderlust. Dikomporin sama orang-orang yang ke Bali di IG bikin gue makin gerah. Akhirnya kesempatan bertualang dikasih ke gue begitu saja. Pertama gue diajak temen-temen Fajar piknik di Ragunan dan juga camping ke Pulau Seribu!

Akhirnya gue ngerasain camping, tidur di tenda, berenang di laut, panik pas kebelet poop, pipis di laut, smoking and kissing by the dock, the whole thing! I'm so happy.

- - -

But lately I hvnt been feelin so hot about myself deh. I'm bored with my wardrobe. Baju-baju juga banyak yang ga muat lagi dan gue jadinya lebih pilih baju yang itu-itu aja karena nyaman dan well, masih muat. Tapi ya itu tadi, gue muak.

I also feel like my face is different now. It's droppy, the skin is worsen, I feel bloated, and I look tired and worn out all the time?? The front camera of my new phone is not helping at all juga, kayak somewhat zoom banget dan muka gue.. ya semesta muka gue.. blegh.. apalagi pas IG story??? Gue jadi ga pernah selfie lagi. Terus foto-foto dari Ragunan dan Pulau Seribu yang dishare sama temen-temen Fajar.. I was like.. is that how I really look like??? I'm so sorry tall hv to see that... (._.   ) I took some risque photos this morning just to feel something... still nothing's changed. Lihat footage untuk content onlyfans, serem gila lihat gue sendiri.

Entah bagaimana di kepala gue, muka gue masih kayak 4 tahun yang lalu... ya engga gitu Cavin. Dan gue harus segera sadar dan embrace hal itu, otherwise...

Fajar tried to lift me up by saying things like.. ya muka kamu gitu-gitu aja babe aku liatnya (isnt that worse??? berarti dari dulu muka gue begini dong???) atau.. mau gimana juga aku tetep sayang kok.. like that's nice but..get me out of this funk pls!

- - -

Tapi ya tapi ya... considering everything.. December has been amazing tbh??? I wish I also could cap this year with something nice..

Gak berasa banget 2020 udah mau selesai... tahun ini beneran kayak banyak filler episode rasanya, kecuali beberapa important plot points ya. I just wish, next year would be so so so much better. For me, Fajar, my best friends, my family, beloved ones. And I wish, you, anyone who's reading this, is always healthy because vitality is the most important!

Take care, okay? :-*