Soccer Mommy - circle the drain
I can say that I'm healing all right... I think.
I bleached my hair, dyed my hair pink, changed my piercing.
What's next Cav? Getting a tat? Well... Mayhaps.
But geezus, money's been tight.
I gotta find a new job. Kemarin sempat lamar satu tempat, ditawarin Rizky,
nulis untuk lifestyle blog or sumn, but yeah, no callbacks...
Mas Deka nawarin vacancy kantornya yg sebentar lagi dilempar ke publik, jadi editor komik shoujo I MEAN IM LISTENING?!?!?! I might try it.
Sekarang kalau si Hantu muncul di friend's activity di Spotify, gue dah gak berjengit lagi.
Kayak.. ehh.. whatever. Plus, since his hair is back to black.. idk, the enchantment is gone.. He's still cute, mind you, but yeah. Not as cute as.. back then.
I had been staying at my home a lot lately.
Food's nice. Veggies. Fruits. Fridge full of supplies.
The amenities are nice. There's car to use.
My room is tidy and clean. The sunlight is nice.
The wind chimes on my terrace are nice.
Tapiii, kenapa gue sering sakit kepala di sana. Back pain. Eye strain. Severe headache ffs.
Is it the bed??? Atau karena gue kerjaannya di kamar terus gue akhirnya sakit.
Kemarin gue sakit kepala luar biasa hebat, bukan migraine di sebelah kiri seperti biasa. Tapi di belakang mata, dan rasa sakitnya kayak tembus sampai ke tengkuk.
Saking sakitnya gue sampai mau muntah, and I did vomit!
Gue cari posisi rebahan semuanya gak ada yang nyaman. Gue nengok kiri kanan terlentang, semuanya sakit. Gue merem sakit. Melek sakit. Yang gue bisa lakukan cuma reapplied safe care di atas alis dan jidat dan tengkuk, merem sambil fokus napas. Kayak benar-benar dengerin napas dan secara sadar tarik napas buang napas..
Is it psychosomatic though...
Well, let's rewind a bit...
I've been feeling down honestly.
Like, little by little, chipping away, tapi gak gue gubris kayak, ih apaan ganggu.
Gue kepikiran soal.. teman-teman? Kayak gue banyak internet friends, tapi honestly, yang benar-benar care dan benar-benar ada buat gue ya cuma Bagus. I mean, he's my family.
Selalu gue yang usaha reach out ke orang. Jarang banget rasanya ada yang reach out ke gue dan emang pingin ketemu dan habisin waktu sama gue.
The others? IDK.. not so much. I know I know, this is just.. how it is. They're there... but... Entahlah.
At the end of the day, well, everyone is preoccupied. Everyone is sad in their own way. (._. )
It's just a bit sad, yknow, and lonely.
Dan uang, gila aja duit Januari gue belom masuk sampe hari ini, Maret loh. Dan minggu depan gue udah kudu bayar rent. Demi semesta gak ada uang tuh... rasanya... powerless.
Kemarin itu Oma lagi di rumah dan tiba-tiba minta dibelikan sweater.
Gue mengiyakan sambil masuk ke kamar, tapi dada gue sakit anjing. If only she knows.. isi rekening gue 0 perak. 0 peraaaak. Isi Gopay aja ga bisa huhu.
Dan sebentar lagi Animal Crossing mau keluar.. Atelier Ryza dan Link's Awakening aja belum kebeli. Uniqlo U keluarin celana gemes yang cuma ada di PIM, plus Uniqlo x JW Anderson mau keluarin sendal gemes. Ngepet lah.
Dan Bagus.. is.. sad.. with everything. Internal sih, tapi.. basically I set things in motion. Dia sedih awalnya karena gue. Gue yang jungkir balikin dunia dia dan maksa dia buat... take a good hard look to all the things... yang selama ini dia kesampingkan. I made him sad.
Sejak putus pun gue berjanji untuk fokus dengan diri sendiri, tapi siapapun yang mau jadi company, by all means gue dengan senang hati ditemenin dan senang-senang bareng, tapi tentu saja gue tarik garis jelas dari awal kalau gue gak bisa kemana-mana. Ngerti kan? Like being in a relationship and stuffs. Daaaaan kemudian this guy and this guy, pingin jadi companies, and they're good companies, I've been having great deal of fun with them, but.. IDK man, was it something i did??? They kinda fell... for m... yuck I hate talking about this, kesannya gue... apaan dah... WELL ANYWAY, intinya... gue sebel sama diri gue sendiri yang... kok bisa bikin orang sedih, like i hurt them without any cruel intention, without doing anything bad even??? It's as if I hurt people just by existing and I. Don't. Like. That. (._. )
All of those combined, dan tiga hal bersamaan yang jadi triggers, plus keadaan rumah yang kosong dan sepi (nyokap lagi ke Bali kemarin) gue ambruk seambruk-ambruknya. My mind really went there... like it was so vivid. Me, slitting a wrist, vertically, just lying on my bed, with a pool of blood, crying out a dying breath. Plus gue pasti mati karena gak akan ada yang nemuin gue sampai besok siang mbak datang ke rumah dan probably masuk kamar gue buat nyapu. The thought alone, it scared me so much. I cried myself to sleep.
(honestly this is so dumb but, part of me was like... if i die right this second... i wont be able to hear LG6, Vanessa Carlton's new album, gak bakal bisa main Animal Crossing, dan gue pingin banget makan Yoiko ya semesta... jadi kayak di tengah bluweknya isi kepala gue, muncul pikiran kayak gini goblok banget gak sih... kayak comic relief)
Dan well, hari berikutnya... ya gue sakit kepala hebat itu. Sampai seharian. I woke up really late, jam 12 gak sih, dan jam 1 siang kepala gue mulai sakit... jam 8an sakitnya makin parah sampai gue terengah-engah dan rasanya baru membaik subuh... Gila, crippling sekali. It's been a while rasanya sakit kepala sampai kayak begitu. Plus, gue sempat demam dua kali in a span of a week? So, psychosomatic??? Atau cuacanya aja gila???
Oh, I also turned off my phone for a whole day, after posted a... suic... hhh... idal... tweet... I made some people really worried. I'm deeply sorry (._. ) lagi-lagi gue menyusahkan orang. Bahkan ada yang report tweet gue sampai-sampai Twitter kirim email dan minta gue untuk reach out dan kasih beberapa hotlines or whatever. To my surprise, an estranged friend that has been thru a lot and familiar with this kind of uhm... situation also reached out to me. I felt kinda better. Someones did care. Like I could count'em with my left hand but still.. they did, I-...
I dyed my hair pink the next day. Hopefully, things will get.. rosy.
Pulang ke Kalibata dan ketemu Bagus dan ngobrolin banyak hal pun membantu sekali.
I guess, gue gak bisa sendirian terlalu lama. Home is nice and all, but it's so isolating.
How have you been?
The world is topsy turvy crazy and I hope yall alright.
Find something, or some things (even better) to hold on to.
Stay sane okay? AND WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS :(
I bleached my hair, dyed my hair pink, changed my piercing.
What's next Cav? Getting a tat? Well... Mayhaps.
But geezus, money's been tight.
I gotta find a new job. Kemarin sempat lamar satu tempat, ditawarin Rizky,
nulis untuk lifestyle blog or sumn, but yeah, no callbacks...
Mas Deka nawarin vacancy kantornya yg sebentar lagi dilempar ke publik, jadi editor komik shoujo I MEAN IM LISTENING?!?!?! I might try it.
Sekarang kalau si Hantu muncul di friend's activity di Spotify, gue dah gak berjengit lagi.
Kayak.. ehh.. whatever. Plus, since his hair is back to black.. idk, the enchantment is gone.. He's still cute, mind you, but yeah. Not as cute as.. back then.
I had been staying at my home a lot lately.
Food's nice. Veggies. Fruits. Fridge full of supplies.
The amenities are nice. There's car to use.
My room is tidy and clean. The sunlight is nice.
The wind chimes on my terrace are nice.
Tapiii, kenapa gue sering sakit kepala di sana. Back pain. Eye strain. Severe headache ffs.
Is it the bed??? Atau karena gue kerjaannya di kamar terus gue akhirnya sakit.
Kemarin gue sakit kepala luar biasa hebat, bukan migraine di sebelah kiri seperti biasa. Tapi di belakang mata, dan rasa sakitnya kayak tembus sampai ke tengkuk.
Saking sakitnya gue sampai mau muntah, and I did vomit!
Gue cari posisi rebahan semuanya gak ada yang nyaman. Gue nengok kiri kanan terlentang, semuanya sakit. Gue merem sakit. Melek sakit. Yang gue bisa lakukan cuma reapplied safe care di atas alis dan jidat dan tengkuk, merem sambil fokus napas. Kayak benar-benar dengerin napas dan secara sadar tarik napas buang napas..
Is it psychosomatic though...
Well, let's rewind a bit...
I've been feeling down honestly.
Like, little by little, chipping away, tapi gak gue gubris kayak, ih apaan ganggu.
Gue kepikiran soal.. teman-teman? Kayak gue banyak internet friends, tapi honestly, yang benar-benar care dan benar-benar ada buat gue ya cuma Bagus. I mean, he's my family.
Selalu gue yang usaha reach out ke orang. Jarang banget rasanya ada yang reach out ke gue dan emang pingin ketemu dan habisin waktu sama gue.
The others? IDK.. not so much. I know I know, this is just.. how it is. They're there... but... Entahlah.
At the end of the day, well, everyone is preoccupied. Everyone is sad in their own way. (._. )
It's just a bit sad, yknow, and lonely.
Dan uang, gila aja duit Januari gue belom masuk sampe hari ini, Maret loh. Dan minggu depan gue udah kudu bayar rent. Demi semesta gak ada uang tuh... rasanya... powerless.
Kemarin itu Oma lagi di rumah dan tiba-tiba minta dibelikan sweater.
Gue mengiyakan sambil masuk ke kamar, tapi dada gue sakit anjing. If only she knows.. isi rekening gue 0 perak. 0 peraaaak. Isi Gopay aja ga bisa huhu.
Dan sebentar lagi Animal Crossing mau keluar.. Atelier Ryza dan Link's Awakening aja belum kebeli. Uniqlo U keluarin celana gemes yang cuma ada di PIM, plus Uniqlo x JW Anderson mau keluarin sendal gemes. Ngepet lah.
Dan Bagus.. is.. sad.. with everything. Internal sih, tapi.. basically I set things in motion. Dia sedih awalnya karena gue. Gue yang jungkir balikin dunia dia dan maksa dia buat... take a good hard look to all the things... yang selama ini dia kesampingkan. I made him sad.
Sejak putus pun gue berjanji untuk fokus dengan diri sendiri, tapi siapapun yang mau jadi company, by all means gue dengan senang hati ditemenin dan senang-senang bareng, tapi tentu saja gue tarik garis jelas dari awal kalau gue gak bisa kemana-mana. Ngerti kan? Like being in a relationship and stuffs. Daaaaan kemudian this guy and this guy, pingin jadi companies, and they're good companies, I've been having great deal of fun with them, but.. IDK man, was it something i did??? They kinda fell... for m... yuck I hate talking about this, kesannya gue... apaan dah... WELL ANYWAY, intinya... gue sebel sama diri gue sendiri yang... kok bisa bikin orang sedih, like i hurt them without any cruel intention, without doing anything bad even??? It's as if I hurt people just by existing and I. Don't. Like. That. (._. )
All of those combined, dan tiga hal bersamaan yang jadi triggers, plus keadaan rumah yang kosong dan sepi (nyokap lagi ke Bali kemarin) gue ambruk seambruk-ambruknya. My mind really went there... like it was so vivid. Me, slitting a wrist, vertically, just lying on my bed, with a pool of blood, crying out a dying breath. Plus gue pasti mati karena gak akan ada yang nemuin gue sampai besok siang mbak datang ke rumah dan probably masuk kamar gue buat nyapu. The thought alone, it scared me so much. I cried myself to sleep.
(honestly this is so dumb but, part of me was like... if i die right this second... i wont be able to hear LG6, Vanessa Carlton's new album, gak bakal bisa main Animal Crossing, dan gue pingin banget makan Yoiko ya semesta... jadi kayak di tengah bluweknya isi kepala gue, muncul pikiran kayak gini goblok banget gak sih... kayak comic relief)
Dan well, hari berikutnya... ya gue sakit kepala hebat itu. Sampai seharian. I woke up really late, jam 12 gak sih, dan jam 1 siang kepala gue mulai sakit... jam 8an sakitnya makin parah sampai gue terengah-engah dan rasanya baru membaik subuh... Gila, crippling sekali. It's been a while rasanya sakit kepala sampai kayak begitu. Plus, gue sempat demam dua kali in a span of a week? So, psychosomatic??? Atau cuacanya aja gila???
Oh, I also turned off my phone for a whole day, after posted a... suic... hhh... idal... tweet... I made some people really worried. I'm deeply sorry (._. ) lagi-lagi gue menyusahkan orang. Bahkan ada yang report tweet gue sampai-sampai Twitter kirim email dan minta gue untuk reach out dan kasih beberapa hotlines or whatever. To my surprise, an estranged friend that has been thru a lot and familiar with this kind of uhm... situation also reached out to me. I felt kinda better. Someones did care. Like I could count'em with my left hand but still.. they did, I-...
I dyed my hair pink the next day. Hopefully, things will get.. rosy.
Pulang ke Kalibata dan ketemu Bagus dan ngobrolin banyak hal pun membantu sekali.
I guess, gue gak bisa sendirian terlalu lama. Home is nice and all, but it's so isolating.
How have you been?
The world is topsy turvy crazy and I hope yall alright.
Find something, or some things (even better) to hold on to.
Stay sane okay? AND WASH YOUR GODDAMN HANDS :(
🙂
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