PDA much?
Okay so lately I've been thinking,
have I been posting too much Instagram Stories of my boyfriends?
Am I being obnoxious?
Pacar gue ga gitu-gitu amat.
I mean, they do post things about me from time to time..
Tapi gue.. almost every day?
Terus gue jadi mikir.. waw emang hidup gue beneran isinya cuma itu ya...
Gue ga punya yang lain. I mean, I'm not gonna post some boring shits about me writing articles???
Why would I do that..
Tapi ya beneran. Hari-hari gue hanya diisi dengan mereka, sedikit nulis, whining, entertainment (be it movies, books, or tv shows), also masturbating. Yea d'uh, I still do that. But I have two boyfriends now, you ask? Ya mereka default mode nya bukan horny kayak gue, so I gotta fend for myself juga kali.
Bagus would post passionate things about pop culture references nya dia, atau witty commentary about mundane things in life (yang ngomong ngomong observasinya selalu menarik. I love him okay?), and occasionally about me.
Azzam would post passionate things about horror movies and alay memes (yang ngomong ngomong berhasil membuat gue see some new lights about many things. I love him okay?), atau his screenings and his art, and occasionally about me (on his close friends).
But you see, they have other things than meeee.
I don't...
Gue jadinya sedih juga...
Kayak semalam gue ngobrolin soal ini sama Bagus dan dia bilang..
Gimana kalau sepanjang hidupmu ya kamu memang untuk mencari hal itu (what to do in life maksudnya).. But your life is made up of those small things..
Gue jadi mikir.. ya bisa aja sih.. but would I be okay with that?
Ya.. gapapa juga sih kayaknya.. gue ga ambisius.. besok armageddon pun I'm gonna shrug it off anyway.
Bagaimana kalau hidup ya emang ga ada grand purpose nya... you just... living.
You make up your own life meaning juga kan.
And honestly to me, those small things are what matter. What makes this world worth living.
Seklise stop and small the flowers gitu (I mean, I don't do that. Pollen. Bikin bersin gak sih?). Atau ketemu nice lighting for your selfies. Nemu resto padang enak yang kikilnya empuk. Atau suka sama single barunya Carly Rae Jepsen (BTW Now That I've Found You enak banget hah?? I think that's what falling in love feels like.. It's sugary and escalating sampai dada rasanya penuh..).
Gue juga mikir kayak... yaudah ya orang-orang juga post Instagram Stories ya isinya hal-hal seputar hidup mereka yang gitu-gitu aja. That's why gue bisa tahu kalau hari ini ternyata hari Sabtu pas liat IG Story temen gue yang lagi Zumba, I swear to god, just like an alarm. They post about their work and office life vignettes, makan dan pergi sama orang kantor setelah pulang jam kantor... kejebak macet... keseharian anak-anak mereka (btw menurut gue kalau anak temen lo jelek kayak gausah pereusss bilang anaknya cakep deh, cukup aja bilang selamat, dosa kan jatohnya)... hotel mewah dan fine dining... ketemu orang-orang penting... traveling ke luar negeri... ya gitu deh.
Tapi kenapa rasanya posting those things lebih acceptable untuk diliat dibanding liat postingan orang lagi lovey-dovey, which brings to my point, gue lowkey takut dianggap obnoxious (stengah pikiran gue bilang ye bodo amat tapi stengah lagi kayak pls dont hate me)...
Dan lagi-lagi observasi Bagus bikin gue mikir iya-juga-ya..
Dia bilang.. mungkin ini sama halnya kayak all type of bodies matter. Kayak kita gencar nyuarain big bodies are beautiful too... ya sebenernya kan skinny body termasuk toh. Cuma karena skinny body yang dianggap "norm" nya, jadi orang-orang kayak mencibir gitu.
Nah karena semua orang mungkin gak sesukses itu mencari pasangan dan apapun itu lah persoalan cinta pokoknya, sekalinya ada orang yang happy lagi mabuk cinta.. lo lo semua bitter kannnnn?
(tenang aja gue mengerti sekali kok, gue paham dua sisinya.. kemaren gue juga rolling eyes liat nganu di IG Stories lovey dovey lah sekarang gue yang lagi happy gue merasa agak bersalah..)
Tapi ketahuilah, hidup gue saat ini cuma berkutat di seputar love life gue, that's all that I have, work life and what not? Gue ga punya. Jadi yaudah sebenernya kita saling iri gitu kan yaaa.. Kita iri-irian aja sampai bumi ditabrak meteor, atau hancur sendiri karena manusia yang most likely bakalan lebih cepet kejadiannya.
BRB POSTING THINGS ABOUT MY BOYFRIENDS.
***
News update about my latest breakdown.
Bagus ngantor per usual. Azzam mau ketemu temennya ngomongin project atau apa. Gue panik gamau berduaan sama diri sendiri jadilah ngebet banget pengen keluar. Terus overwhelmed sendiri sama pilihan. Mau ke mana? Mau makan apa? Pertimbangannya rasanya endless. Jadilah gue bad mood di depan gerbang Kalibata City sampe mata bekaca-kaca. Si goblok emang. Akhirnya ke PP.
Sampe PP ah kantor Kevin di seberang, mungkin bisa temu sebentar, terakhir kali dia undang ke birthday party gue ga bisa, so maybe, we could catch up?
Nyamperlah dia, bareng Jeff (yang ngomong-ngomong jadi way hotter since high school, ya kita terakhir kali ketemu jaman SMA, main bowling di eX ya tuhan, sepertinya dia sudah jadi instagay exist sekarang)... but things turned shitty once Kevin played a therapist.
Setelah shrugged off some shitty remarks about my daily life kayak ah-kamu-paling-gak-ngapa-ngapain dan ah-rasanya-kamu-mah-tetep-makan-mewah-mewah-aja-di-IG, sembari jalan muter-muter kita akhirnya sampai duduk di cafe. Dude you didnt know how many times i shat my pants gegara makanan warteg yang udah ga bagus...
Dan setelah duduk di cafe gue lagi-lagi dihadapi dengan endless selections of... tea.
Seriusan. Tiap jenis teh ada anak-anaknya lagi. Tiap anak-anaknya ada deskripsinya lagi.
I was overwhelmed once again. And I said it out loud.
Kevin bilang, "Why? You should get out more Cav. You used to know what you wanted."
... ugh.
"Tiap kali ketemu kamu rasanya aku mau push kamu terus."
Dia nanya soal pendapatan gue dari nulis artikel, yang kata dia bahkan gak UMR.
Dia nanya apakah gue masih terima uang dari orang tua.
He went on and on and on, said things like, "Why are you refusing to grow up?"
"Why don't you get a job?"
So relentless.
Di depan Jeff with a nice watch and a high tech laptop.
I was embarrassed.
Gue bilang gue insecure.
INSECURE SOAL APA.
Gak tahu gue bisanya apa.
BUT YOU HAVE TASTE.
ALSO YOU HAVE TWO BOYFRIENDS NOW,
ARE THEY OKAY WITH YOU JUST SITTING AROUND?
MEREKA GAK PUSH KAMU ATAU APA GITU?
Gue bilang kayak I really dont like where this conversation is going this really puts me on a spot..
Terus dia kayak AND WHY IS THAT? Lengkap dengan majuin tubuhnya mendekat dengan mata tajam dan melipat tangan di meja kayak psikolog. God I hated it so much. Gue menyesal ngajak dia ketemu. WHY IS THE SKY BLUE KEV AND WHY DON'T YOU FEEL CONTENT EVEN THO YOUR LIFE IS SO LAVISH KEV UH HUH AND WHY IS THAT KEV..
The next thing, Jeff asked for my phone number... he was typing on his phone... dan tiba-tiba dia forwarded a job vacancy thru whatsapp. I felt so fucking small.
Ya maaf kalau uang yang gue terima dari hasil gue nulis gak sesuai UMR.
Ya maaf kalau gue gak punya kerjaan "beneran" di gedung kantor di SCBD
Ya maaf kalau gue gak tinggal di apartemen di Residence 8 di Senopati.
Ya maaf kalau the idea of getting a dessert after meal gue bukan makan dessert di Vong Kitchen di Alila.
Tapi kok bisa-bisanya samain standar hidup lo ke gue. Babi.
Seakan-akan it's the only way to go.
I couldn't wait to go home.
Sebelum pisah dan pulang masing-masing, Kevin said that I look sad now. Yeah no shit sherlock.
Dia bilang I used to be... you know still jittery, but brighter like a color yellow. Oh fuck you.
Gue berusaha menghibur diri ke kemchicks bawah. I'm gonna get that cheesy bread from shokupan pokoknya. Si anjing, gue ga ada cash sama sekali dan debit minimal mesti 100 rebu. Jadilah gue mesti belanja lebih banyak... Terus depan kemchicks ada Chateraise kan... gue mikir dorayakinya enak juga nih, also that cheese cake yang kemarin gue ngiler tapi ga jadi beli akan gue beli sekarang. Ahahaha. Debit minimalnya juga mesti 100 rebu. JADILAH PROSES MENGHIBUR DIRI GUE JADI TAI KARENA GUE KEBURU BETE GUE KELUAR DUIT KEBANYAKAN.
Terus gue pulang di saat jam pulang kantor dan gue ga dapet-dapet gojek.
Oh, hujan deras. Ehe.
Sampai rumah gue nangis dong sambil mandi. Kemudian gue diem sebentar, catching my breath.
Sampai akhirnya ngobrol sama Azzam dan gue jadi nangis lagi extra kejer.
Sebenci-bencinya gue akan pertanyaan-pertanyaan ngehenya Kevin dan caranya dia bertanya,
semua hal yang ia tanyakan itu valid dan benar, and that makes me hating him a little bit and hating myself so much more. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK ME THOSE FUCKING QUESTIONS COS IVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT THEM MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Live your own life goddammit gue ga pernah ambil pusing.
God I hope you will never ever feel lonely ever again ya Kev.
Also I really hate the way you dress. They're expensive oh I knoooow, you make sure everyone knows anyway, you tag the brands on your IG post yekaaaan. But honestly I don't think they... match... *waving my fingers on him* this. Dulu orang kantor bilang jubah denim yang lo pake itu kayak jubah Voldemort...
Semoga content masnya.
Now let me get back to my little home, meaning my two boyfriends, cos that's all that I have.
I have a home.
have I been posting too much Instagram Stories of my boyfriends?
Am I being obnoxious?
Pacar gue ga gitu-gitu amat.
I mean, they do post things about me from time to time..
Tapi gue.. almost every day?
Terus gue jadi mikir.. waw emang hidup gue beneran isinya cuma itu ya...
Gue ga punya yang lain. I mean, I'm not gonna post some boring shits about me writing articles???
Why would I do that..
Tapi ya beneran. Hari-hari gue hanya diisi dengan mereka, sedikit nulis, whining, entertainment (be it movies, books, or tv shows), also masturbating. Yea d'uh, I still do that. But I have two boyfriends now, you ask? Ya mereka default mode nya bukan horny kayak gue, so I gotta fend for myself juga kali.
Bagus would post passionate things about pop culture references nya dia, atau witty commentary about mundane things in life (yang ngomong ngomong observasinya selalu menarik. I love him okay?), and occasionally about me.
Azzam would post passionate things about horror movies and alay memes (yang ngomong ngomong berhasil membuat gue see some new lights about many things. I love him okay?), atau his screenings and his art, and occasionally about me (on his close friends).
But you see, they have other things than meeee.
I don't...
Gue jadinya sedih juga...
Kayak semalam gue ngobrolin soal ini sama Bagus dan dia bilang..
Gimana kalau sepanjang hidupmu ya kamu memang untuk mencari hal itu (what to do in life maksudnya).. But your life is made up of those small things..
Gue jadi mikir.. ya bisa aja sih.. but would I be okay with that?
Ya.. gapapa juga sih kayaknya.. gue ga ambisius.. besok armageddon pun I'm gonna shrug it off anyway.
Bagaimana kalau hidup ya emang ga ada grand purpose nya... you just... living.
You make up your own life meaning juga kan.
And honestly to me, those small things are what matter. What makes this world worth living.
Seklise stop and small the flowers gitu (I mean, I don't do that. Pollen. Bikin bersin gak sih?). Atau ketemu nice lighting for your selfies. Nemu resto padang enak yang kikilnya empuk. Atau suka sama single barunya Carly Rae Jepsen (BTW Now That I've Found You enak banget hah?? I think that's what falling in love feels like.. It's sugary and escalating sampai dada rasanya penuh..).
Gue juga mikir kayak... yaudah ya orang-orang juga post Instagram Stories ya isinya hal-hal seputar hidup mereka yang gitu-gitu aja. That's why gue bisa tahu kalau hari ini ternyata hari Sabtu pas liat IG Story temen gue yang lagi Zumba, I swear to god, just like an alarm. They post about their work and office life vignettes, makan dan pergi sama orang kantor setelah pulang jam kantor... kejebak macet... keseharian anak-anak mereka (btw menurut gue kalau anak temen lo jelek kayak gausah pereusss bilang anaknya cakep deh, cukup aja bilang selamat, dosa kan jatohnya)... hotel mewah dan fine dining... ketemu orang-orang penting... traveling ke luar negeri... ya gitu deh.
Tapi kenapa rasanya posting those things lebih acceptable untuk diliat dibanding liat postingan orang lagi lovey-dovey, which brings to my point, gue lowkey takut dianggap obnoxious (stengah pikiran gue bilang ye bodo amat tapi stengah lagi kayak pls dont hate me)...
Dan lagi-lagi observasi Bagus bikin gue mikir iya-juga-ya..
Dia bilang.. mungkin ini sama halnya kayak all type of bodies matter. Kayak kita gencar nyuarain big bodies are beautiful too... ya sebenernya kan skinny body termasuk toh. Cuma karena skinny body yang dianggap "norm" nya, jadi orang-orang kayak mencibir gitu.
Nah karena semua orang mungkin gak sesukses itu mencari pasangan dan apapun itu lah persoalan cinta pokoknya, sekalinya ada orang yang happy lagi mabuk cinta.. lo lo semua bitter kannnnn?
(tenang aja gue mengerti sekali kok, gue paham dua sisinya.. kemaren gue juga rolling eyes liat nganu di IG Stories lovey dovey lah sekarang gue yang lagi happy gue merasa agak bersalah..)
Tapi ketahuilah, hidup gue saat ini cuma berkutat di seputar love life gue, that's all that I have, work life and what not? Gue ga punya. Jadi yaudah sebenernya kita saling iri gitu kan yaaa.. Kita iri-irian aja sampai bumi ditabrak meteor, atau hancur sendiri karena manusia yang most likely bakalan lebih cepet kejadiannya.
BRB POSTING THINGS ABOUT MY BOYFRIENDS.
***
News update about my latest breakdown.
Bagus ngantor per usual. Azzam mau ketemu temennya ngomongin project atau apa. Gue panik gamau berduaan sama diri sendiri jadilah ngebet banget pengen keluar. Terus overwhelmed sendiri sama pilihan. Mau ke mana? Mau makan apa? Pertimbangannya rasanya endless. Jadilah gue bad mood di depan gerbang Kalibata City sampe mata bekaca-kaca. Si goblok emang. Akhirnya ke PP.
Sampe PP ah kantor Kevin di seberang, mungkin bisa temu sebentar, terakhir kali dia undang ke birthday party gue ga bisa, so maybe, we could catch up?
Nyamperlah dia, bareng Jeff (yang ngomong-ngomong jadi way hotter since high school, ya kita terakhir kali ketemu jaman SMA, main bowling di eX ya tuhan, sepertinya dia sudah jadi instagay exist sekarang)... but things turned shitty once Kevin played a therapist.
Setelah shrugged off some shitty remarks about my daily life kayak ah-kamu-paling-gak-ngapa-ngapain dan ah-rasanya-kamu-mah-tetep-makan-mewah-mewah-aja-di-IG, sembari jalan muter-muter kita akhirnya sampai duduk di cafe. Dude you didnt know how many times i shat my pants gegara makanan warteg yang udah ga bagus...
Dan setelah duduk di cafe gue lagi-lagi dihadapi dengan endless selections of... tea.
Seriusan. Tiap jenis teh ada anak-anaknya lagi. Tiap anak-anaknya ada deskripsinya lagi.
I was overwhelmed once again. And I said it out loud.
Kevin bilang, "Why? You should get out more Cav. You used to know what you wanted."
... ugh.
"Tiap kali ketemu kamu rasanya aku mau push kamu terus."
Dia nanya soal pendapatan gue dari nulis artikel, yang kata dia bahkan gak UMR.
Dia nanya apakah gue masih terima uang dari orang tua.
He went on and on and on, said things like, "Why are you refusing to grow up?"
"Why don't you get a job?"
So relentless.
Di depan Jeff with a nice watch and a high tech laptop.
I was embarrassed.
Gue bilang gue insecure.
INSECURE SOAL APA.
Gak tahu gue bisanya apa.
BUT YOU HAVE TASTE.
ALSO YOU HAVE TWO BOYFRIENDS NOW,
ARE THEY OKAY WITH YOU JUST SITTING AROUND?
MEREKA GAK PUSH KAMU ATAU APA GITU?
Gue bilang kayak I really dont like where this conversation is going this really puts me on a spot..
Terus dia kayak AND WHY IS THAT? Lengkap dengan majuin tubuhnya mendekat dengan mata tajam dan melipat tangan di meja kayak psikolog. God I hated it so much. Gue menyesal ngajak dia ketemu. WHY IS THE SKY BLUE KEV AND WHY DON'T YOU FEEL CONTENT EVEN THO YOUR LIFE IS SO LAVISH KEV UH HUH AND WHY IS THAT KEV..
The next thing, Jeff asked for my phone number... he was typing on his phone... dan tiba-tiba dia forwarded a job vacancy thru whatsapp. I felt so fucking small.
Ya maaf kalau uang yang gue terima dari hasil gue nulis gak sesuai UMR.
Ya maaf kalau gue gak punya kerjaan "beneran" di gedung kantor di SCBD
Ya maaf kalau gue gak tinggal di apartemen di Residence 8 di Senopati.
Ya maaf kalau the idea of getting a dessert after meal gue bukan makan dessert di Vong Kitchen di Alila.
Tapi kok bisa-bisanya samain standar hidup lo ke gue. Babi.
Seakan-akan it's the only way to go.
I couldn't wait to go home.
Sebelum pisah dan pulang masing-masing, Kevin said that I look sad now. Yeah no shit sherlock.
Dia bilang I used to be... you know still jittery, but brighter like a color yellow. Oh fuck you.
Gue berusaha menghibur diri ke kemchicks bawah. I'm gonna get that cheesy bread from shokupan pokoknya. Si anjing, gue ga ada cash sama sekali dan debit minimal mesti 100 rebu. Jadilah gue mesti belanja lebih banyak... Terus depan kemchicks ada Chateraise kan... gue mikir dorayakinya enak juga nih, also that cheese cake yang kemarin gue ngiler tapi ga jadi beli akan gue beli sekarang. Ahahaha. Debit minimalnya juga mesti 100 rebu. JADILAH PROSES MENGHIBUR DIRI GUE JADI TAI KARENA GUE KEBURU BETE GUE KELUAR DUIT KEBANYAKAN.
Terus gue pulang di saat jam pulang kantor dan gue ga dapet-dapet gojek.
Oh, hujan deras. Ehe.
Sampai rumah gue nangis dong sambil mandi. Kemudian gue diem sebentar, catching my breath.
Sampai akhirnya ngobrol sama Azzam dan gue jadi nangis lagi extra kejer.
Sebenci-bencinya gue akan pertanyaan-pertanyaan ngehenya Kevin dan caranya dia bertanya,
semua hal yang ia tanyakan itu valid dan benar, and that makes me hating him a little bit and hating myself so much more. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK ME THOSE FUCKING QUESTIONS COS IVE BEEN WONDERING ABOUT THEM MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Live your own life goddammit gue ga pernah ambil pusing.
God I hope you will never ever feel lonely ever again ya Kev.
Also I really hate the way you dress. They're expensive oh I knoooow, you make sure everyone knows anyway, you tag the brands on your IG post yekaaaan. But honestly I don't think they... match... *waving my fingers on him* this. Dulu orang kantor bilang jubah denim yang lo pake itu kayak jubah Voldemort...
Semoga content masnya.
Now let me get back to my little home, meaning my two boyfriends, cos that's all that I have.
I have a home.
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