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How are u guys, hope everything's goin great?
It's a new year in 10 hours!
And I'm terrified. I'll be 30 next August!
Terrified is an understatement, even.
Well, uhm.. yeah that.
- - -
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Didnt have a chance to finish this post yesterday. 2019 started off rocky! Hahaha padahal baru juga mulai!
Ya terus. Sudah lama tidak cerita apapun di sini.
Agustus hingga September rasanya shitty sekali.
Gue bahkan enggak ingat lagi apa aja yang terjadi, it's as if my brain is blocking them out.
Pokoknya tahu-tahu awal November gue jadi ke Tokyo sama Bagus selama seminggu,
and it was a joy - although repercussionnya masih gue benahi dengan luntang lantung hingga sekarang. Also I made a vlog loh.. does it count as a vlog tho? Rasanya kayak a bunch of disjointed videos karena gue sama Bagus sama-sama otaknya gak vlog oriented gitu.. Jadi sering sekali kayak AH-WE-SHOULD'VE-RECORDED-THAT. Anyway, you can watch it at my YouTube channel. Semoga terhibur meskipun cuma sedikit.
Uhmm.. Then towards the end of November I had the usual breakdown ha ha.. this one was worse than the usual I guess... I mean suicidal thoughts come and goes, I'm sure you guys have it every now and then? Or at least wondering aja gitu? I even googled some shits, like how painful suicide by sleeping pills is, or how painful to run towards a giant knife is... chance of success, survival rate, bagaiama rasanya melanjutkan hidup dengan suicide watch dan constant worrying dari orang terdekat, it's a rabbit hole really.. mata gue buram karena air mata sambil baca cerita dan pengalaman banyak penyintas.. I scared myself, man. But I think I don't have the guts to do it anyway?? Perhaps won't ever..? So I guess I'll just have to wait for an apocalypse or global disaster to happen then. Anytime soon, I assume? I'm sorry I... hmmmmmm...
I'm sorry!
AH ANYWAY.
Mmmmm hhhhmm... things started looking up, at least for the time being. You see, when you divide it into a smaller window, life is... more bearable.
Shit, one of the trigger was meeting my best friends for dinner loh padahal.
Seperti biasa, setelah bertemu mereka gue selalu merasa kecil diri, panik, takut, dan akhirnya spiralling out of control. Dan sialnya weekend nanti gue harus ketemu mereka lagi, and this time is a 3 days ordeal karena mau staycation di hotel segala. I honestly a bit pissed sih, makan di mana dan nginap di mana nya sudah ditentuin tanpa diskusi lebih dahulu like, maap nih tapi ya gak semuanya penghasilannya serupa kan :') I can't even imagine how taxing it would be, mendengarkan cerita mereka sedangkan gue gak punya apa-apa yang bisa gue banggakan.. (._. ) i mean, it shouldnt be like this kan? Mau ketemu sahabat-sahabat? It's not even their faults? Tahu gak sih, kayak lo tahu the rationale behind all these weird thoughts/emotions you're having, tahu harusnya baiknya bagaimana, tahu kalau ini salah, tapi ya gimana you're feeling it anyway and you can't stop them from overflowing... saat ini gue berdiri dengan perut terbuka terus... scrambling to put my innards back in...
As you can probably tell I'm very emotional right now... mungkin banget saat nanti gue baca ulang tulisan ini bakalan terasa cringey dan norak banget.. but.. bear with me, pretty please.
As for what I'm doing right now, sambil nunggu tengah tahun depan untuk coba reapply WHV - but lets not go there *barfs* - gue memutuskan untuk perpanjang kontrak nulis untuk Womantalk for the time being deh, gue jenuh pisan sih, tapi ya gimana. Plus, Sun minta tolong untuk bantu-bantu Surely Someday Kitchen, kerjaannya labor gitu sih tapi lumayan lah bisa jadi tambahan.
Suatu sore sebelum pulang dan sambil mengerjakan task terakhir hari itu, si bodoh dengan low self-esteem ini pakai nanya segala, "Sun... aku tuh sesungguhnya beneran ngebantu gak sih...?", dan dia jawab, "Banget Cav, kalau enggak ada kamu, aku sekarang masih lipet-lipetin kotak." (Dan setelah gue merasakan rasanya melipat ratusan kotak, gue bisa ngebayangin kalau harus ngerjain itu semua on top of baking cookies and cakes, gue bisa stress sih. Selama ini dia handle bisnisnya sendirian dan cuma dibantu mamanya loh, how amazing and tiring is that???) I felt so much lighter. My presence is actually useful for someone??? Dan besoknya saat gue gak bisa dateng, Sun sempat-sempatin whatsapp, "Sedih deh kerja sendirian." And that made me... really happy.
- - -
Bokap menghilang... memang paling jago being unreliable deh dia. Hahaha. Gue ingat betapa seringnya gue kecewa dulu pas masih kecil, i mean, gue gede jauh dari ortu, jelas aja gue selalu excited ketemu bokap kan ya, tapi gue inget banget betapa seringnya dia batalin janji dan gue sampai patah hati. Gue yang masih SD, sampai berjanji sama diri sendiri kalau bokap iming imingin sesuatu gue ga boleh ngarep karena gue bakalan sedih setelahnya. Dude's been missing for a big chunk of my life, popping out here and there terus ilang lagi. Rasanya next time dia muncul gue gak mau ladeni lagi deh. Or maybe I should give him a chance for him to explain himself. Mungkin kali ini dia ketahuan istrinya kalau masih berhubungan sama gue trus ya gitu deh. Elah norak ah, ribet lo semua.
- - -
Welp. On to a happier subject.
It's been a while since the last time i feel overwhelm by my feelings.
Eh, no shit Cav lo emosional melulu, I mean, you know.
Perasaan-perasaan saat lo baru jatuh cinta sama seseorang. Hiiii.
Those explosive. sappy. corny. emotions.
So Imet a guy fell in love with a guy. *collective gasps*
Suddenly all the love songs ring true once agaiiin. Yikes.
Do you think it's possible to love two person at the same time?
Lah ngapain gue minta justifikasi. It is. Possible. Serius.
Terlepas dari gaya pacaran gue dan Bagus yang mungkin terlalu abad 22,
terima kasih semesta i have the most sensible, open-minded, understanding and loving partner, he honors my emotions - including the worse fugly ones like tell me what did I do in the past that I deserve to have... him, this, all these. So one night I sat down and had a long chat with Bagus, pouring my heart out. "You really like this guy, huh?" kata Bagus. His assessment stunned me. Padahal gue ceritanya pelan-pelan dan sok cool. Which part of it that's a dead giveaway?? Dan jadinya gue benar-benar examine my feelings, and I guess.. I really do. *kaget sendiri*
Long story short, I introduced him to Bagus and they got along really well (too well... sampai-sampai loh kok gue malah jadi yang merasa left out hahaha) and now we're kinda having this.. 3way relationship??? (I'm adding 'emotional juggler' to my list of profession) I mean, it's not official (yet?)?? We're not labeling anything anytime soon? I mean, almost, tapi gak jadi. We 3 are still figuring this out? But I'm tremendously happy?? SO MANY QUESTIONS??? Bagus likes him too, I mean it's not hard to like him juga (tho im sure he'll deny this, he's so meaaaan to himself). He's cute, ya iyalah, kalo ga lucu ga mungkin gue nengok yekan, and thank god he's not square as a brick. He brims with personalities. I love his weird manic energy. I love the fact that he's a creative person and very dedicated to his craft, dan saat dia lagi passionate dan menggebu gebu cerita soal sesuatu yang dia suka... seksi banget anjinggg. Also his dick is amazing and the sex... the sex... *melirik Bagus yang ceritanya mengangguk setuju di sebelah sana*.
Seriusan, i dont really give a crap about labels and the likes, tapi anu, gue low key panik juga karena, idk, he's not technically my boyfriend juga so maybe we're not exclusives and maybe he still see other people juga or maybe this is just my paranoia talking i mean im not usually jealous tapi tolong dia banyak yang suka dan gue pingin banget kencingin teritori gue like shoo shoo go away bitch and i realize that this is not exactly a competition but i do love winning tho??? oh god i miss shoshanna shapiro and you guyyyysssss, DTR-ing is fundamental????!!!! In the mean time I gotta remind myself to take a breather every now and then, calm my tits down, have fun, and stop worrying ffs. But still?????? Gue baru-baru ini sebel sendiri sama this certain person on Instagram yang lovey dovey nya overly sweet borderline diabetic sama gebetan barunya, yang ya ampun gue pikir udah pacaran, karena segitunya beneran segitunya, dan ternyata belom pacaran bahkan. I rolled my eyes so hard sampe ga bisa balik dan bola mata gue jadinya putih doang selama beberapa hari sebelum akhirnya dibenerin optometris. But i get it now huhu im so sorry i'll be less judgmental this year #AsIf. DUDE DUDE DUDE, like i want to show him off on social media and parade him around to any bystanders and tell the whole world that helloooo im happy meanwhile dianya aja adem ayem gak acknowledge apa apa di mana mana. Seakan akan gue butuh reassurance that this is real. AND BAAAAAM, THE FREIGHT TRAIN HITS AN ELEPHANT. Anyway...... (._. )
2019 is scary as heeeell but.. I'm really excited about this and I think, as long as im with them, ill get by just fine?? After all, strength in numbers!!! Adieu!
P.S. rasanya kok sesak habis nulis blog post ini.
It's a new year in 10 hours!
And I'm terrified. I'll be 30 next August!
Terrified is an understatement, even.
Well, uhm.. yeah that.
- - -
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Didnt have a chance to finish this post yesterday. 2019 started off rocky! Hahaha padahal baru juga mulai!
Ya terus. Sudah lama tidak cerita apapun di sini.
Agustus hingga September rasanya shitty sekali.
Gue bahkan enggak ingat lagi apa aja yang terjadi, it's as if my brain is blocking them out.
Pokoknya tahu-tahu awal November gue jadi ke Tokyo sama Bagus selama seminggu,
and it was a joy - although repercussionnya masih gue benahi dengan luntang lantung hingga sekarang. Also I made a vlog loh.. does it count as a vlog tho? Rasanya kayak a bunch of disjointed videos karena gue sama Bagus sama-sama otaknya gak vlog oriented gitu.. Jadi sering sekali kayak AH-WE-SHOULD'VE-RECORDED-THAT. Anyway, you can watch it at my YouTube channel. Semoga terhibur meskipun cuma sedikit.
Uhmm.. Then towards the end of November I had the usual breakdown ha ha.. this one was worse than the usual I guess... I mean suicidal thoughts come and goes, I'm sure you guys have it every now and then? Or at least wondering aja gitu? I even googled some shits, like how painful suicide by sleeping pills is, or how painful to run towards a giant knife is... chance of success, survival rate, bagaiama rasanya melanjutkan hidup dengan suicide watch dan constant worrying dari orang terdekat, it's a rabbit hole really.. mata gue buram karena air mata sambil baca cerita dan pengalaman banyak penyintas.. I scared myself, man. But I think I don't have the guts to do it anyway?? Perhaps won't ever..? So I guess I'll just have to wait for an apocalypse or global disaster to happen then. Anytime soon, I assume? I'm sorry I... hmmmmmm...
I'm sorry!
AH ANYWAY.
Mmmmm hhhhmm... things started looking up, at least for the time being. You see, when you divide it into a smaller window, life is... more bearable.
Shit, one of the trigger was meeting my best friends for dinner loh padahal.
Seperti biasa, setelah bertemu mereka gue selalu merasa kecil diri, panik, takut, dan akhirnya spiralling out of control. Dan sialnya weekend nanti gue harus ketemu mereka lagi, and this time is a 3 days ordeal karena mau staycation di hotel segala. I honestly a bit pissed sih, makan di mana dan nginap di mana nya sudah ditentuin tanpa diskusi lebih dahulu like, maap nih tapi ya gak semuanya penghasilannya serupa kan :') I can't even imagine how taxing it would be, mendengarkan cerita mereka sedangkan gue gak punya apa-apa yang bisa gue banggakan.. (._. ) i mean, it shouldnt be like this kan? Mau ketemu sahabat-sahabat? It's not even their faults? Tahu gak sih, kayak lo tahu the rationale behind all these weird thoughts/emotions you're having, tahu harusnya baiknya bagaimana, tahu kalau ini salah, tapi ya gimana you're feeling it anyway and you can't stop them from overflowing... saat ini gue berdiri dengan perut terbuka terus... scrambling to put my innards back in...
As you can probably tell I'm very emotional right now... mungkin banget saat nanti gue baca ulang tulisan ini bakalan terasa cringey dan norak banget.. but.. bear with me, pretty please.
As for what I'm doing right now, sambil nunggu tengah tahun depan untuk coba reapply WHV - but lets not go there *barfs* - gue memutuskan untuk perpanjang kontrak nulis untuk Womantalk for the time being deh, gue jenuh pisan sih, tapi ya gimana. Plus, Sun minta tolong untuk bantu-bantu Surely Someday Kitchen, kerjaannya labor gitu sih tapi lumayan lah bisa jadi tambahan.
Suatu sore sebelum pulang dan sambil mengerjakan task terakhir hari itu, si bodoh dengan low self-esteem ini pakai nanya segala, "Sun... aku tuh sesungguhnya beneran ngebantu gak sih...?", dan dia jawab, "Banget Cav, kalau enggak ada kamu, aku sekarang masih lipet-lipetin kotak." (Dan setelah gue merasakan rasanya melipat ratusan kotak, gue bisa ngebayangin kalau harus ngerjain itu semua on top of baking cookies and cakes, gue bisa stress sih. Selama ini dia handle bisnisnya sendirian dan cuma dibantu mamanya loh, how amazing and tiring is that???) I felt so much lighter. My presence is actually useful for someone??? Dan besoknya saat gue gak bisa dateng, Sun sempat-sempatin whatsapp, "Sedih deh kerja sendirian." And that made me... really happy.
- - -
Bokap menghilang... memang paling jago being unreliable deh dia. Hahaha. Gue ingat betapa seringnya gue kecewa dulu pas masih kecil, i mean, gue gede jauh dari ortu, jelas aja gue selalu excited ketemu bokap kan ya, tapi gue inget banget betapa seringnya dia batalin janji dan gue sampai patah hati. Gue yang masih SD, sampai berjanji sama diri sendiri kalau bokap iming imingin sesuatu gue ga boleh ngarep karena gue bakalan sedih setelahnya. Dude's been missing for a big chunk of my life, popping out here and there terus ilang lagi. Rasanya next time dia muncul gue gak mau ladeni lagi deh. Or maybe I should give him a chance for him to explain himself. Mungkin kali ini dia ketahuan istrinya kalau masih berhubungan sama gue trus ya gitu deh. Elah norak ah, ribet lo semua.
- - -
Welp. On to a happier subject.
It's been a while since the last time i feel overwhelm by my feelings.
Eh, no shit Cav lo emosional melulu, I mean, you know.
Perasaan-perasaan saat lo baru jatuh cinta sama seseorang. Hiiii.
Those explosive. sappy. corny. emotions.
So I
Suddenly all the love songs ring true once agaiiin. Yikes.
Do you think it's possible to love two person at the same time?
Lah ngapain gue minta justifikasi. It is. Possible. Serius.
Terlepas dari gaya pacaran gue dan Bagus yang mungkin terlalu abad 22,
terima kasih semesta i have the most sensible, open-minded, understanding and loving partner, he honors my emotions - including the worse fugly ones like tell me what did I do in the past that I deserve to have... him, this, all these. So one night I sat down and had a long chat with Bagus, pouring my heart out. "You really like this guy, huh?" kata Bagus. His assessment stunned me. Padahal gue ceritanya pelan-pelan dan sok cool. Which part of it that's a dead giveaway?? Dan jadinya gue benar-benar examine my feelings, and I guess.. I really do. *kaget sendiri*
Long story short, I introduced him to Bagus and they got along really well (too well... sampai-sampai loh kok gue malah jadi yang merasa left out hahaha) and now we're kinda having this.. 3way relationship??? (I'm adding 'emotional juggler' to my list of profession) I mean, it's not official (yet?)?? We're not labeling anything anytime soon? I mean, almost, tapi gak jadi. We 3 are still figuring this out? But I'm tremendously happy?? SO MANY QUESTIONS??? Bagus likes him too, I mean it's not hard to like him juga (tho im sure he'll deny this, he's so meaaaan to himself). He's cute, ya iyalah, kalo ga lucu ga mungkin gue nengok yekan, and thank god he's not square as a brick. He brims with personalities. I love his weird manic energy. I love the fact that he's a creative person and very dedicated to his craft, dan saat dia lagi passionate dan menggebu gebu cerita soal sesuatu yang dia suka... seksi banget anjinggg. Also his dick is amazing and the sex... the sex... *melirik Bagus yang ceritanya mengangguk setuju di sebelah sana*.
Seriusan, i dont really give a crap about labels and the likes, tapi anu, gue low key panik juga karena, idk, he's not technically my boyfriend juga so maybe we're not exclusives and maybe he still see other people juga or maybe this is just my paranoia talking i mean im not usually jealous tapi tolong dia banyak yang suka dan gue pingin banget kencingin teritori gue like shoo shoo go away bitch and i realize that this is not exactly a competition but i do love winning tho??? oh god i miss shoshanna shapiro and you guyyyysssss, DTR-ing is fundamental????!!!! In the mean time I gotta remind myself to take a breather every now and then, calm my tits down, have fun, and stop worrying ffs. But still?????? Gue baru-baru ini sebel sendiri sama this certain person on Instagram yang lovey dovey nya overly sweet borderline diabetic sama gebetan barunya, yang ya ampun gue pikir udah pacaran, karena segitunya beneran segitunya, dan ternyata belom pacaran bahkan. I rolled my eyes so hard sampe ga bisa balik dan bola mata gue jadinya putih doang selama beberapa hari sebelum akhirnya dibenerin optometris. But i get it now huhu im so sorry i'll be less judgmental this year #AsIf. DUDE DUDE DUDE, like i want to show him off on social media and parade him around to any bystanders and tell the whole world that helloooo im happy meanwhile dianya aja adem ayem gak acknowledge apa apa di mana mana. Seakan akan gue butuh reassurance that this is real. AND BAAAAAM, THE FREIGHT TRAIN HITS AN ELEPHANT. Anyway...... (._. )
2019 is scary as heeeell but.. I'm really excited about this and I think, as long as im with them, ill get by just fine?? After all, strength in numbers!!! Adieu!
P.S. rasanya kok sesak habis nulis blog post ini.
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