rinse and repeat.

Akhir-akhir ini gue sulit tidur. Berkali-kali terbangun, setengah tidur, bangun dengan badan pegal. Gue gak tenang. Gue gelisah. Gue rasanya mau teriak. Gue rasanya mau tonjok orang. I'm wasting my life away. My youth. God help me, I've been asking for any signs and I'm not even a believer. Setiap hari... setiap hari gue buka Jobstreet. Scrolling through the pages, clicking the vacancies. Able to operate this and that with minimal exp 100 years. Geez.

Lihat Bagus bekerja gue juga pingin. Gue seriusan pingin. Gue mau punya uang sendiri. I want to be able to rely on myself. But why is it so hard to steer this... negativity and self doubt away. It's suffocating. They've been saying that I'm talented and this and that and trust me oh I wish I could see that. I wish I could say the same about myself.

*tarik napas*

Gue pikir, oke mungkin gue bisa coba kerja hal lain selain desain grafis yang sebenernya gue gak bisa-bisa amat juga. Oke mungkin gue bisa coba paksa kerja desain grafis untuk tempat yang gue suka. Oke coba pikir tempat apa yang gue suka. Tempat gue biasa beli ini dan itu... atau makan... atau gue kunjungi. Dan gue ketemu... Kinokuniya. It's books. It's Japanese. It's perfect. Dan gue ngotot cari lowongan Kinokuniya di Google, none, yang ada cuma entry lowongan dari entah kapan. Bookstore floor sumthin sumthin. Wrapping books. Data entry. Cool... I could work with that. It's modest enough to my liking. Heck, even as their graphic designer I won't mind. So I sent my CV and portfolio to their e-mail only to found out that the e-mail is invalid. Udah ganti sepertinya. Dan setelah ditelepon, mereka kasih e-mail yang sama dan gue dapat result yang sama. Gue lemes.

Berkali-kali di Jobstreet muncul housekeeping manager, rasanya seru juga inspeksi kebersihan and order people around... but what should I tell everyone. Bagaimana gue dealing dengan mereka, orang rumah atau temen-temen, yang bakal nanya KENAPA atau KOK KERJA ITU saat gue bilang gue kerja itu. Entah stigma ini darimana, kesannya kerja begituan kayak kerjaan untuk orang kelas kedua atau apa. And why do I care???

Dan gue sebel banget Jobstreet cuma bisa upload resume. Mereka mana bisa lihat portfolio gue unless mereka tertarik, dan dari ratusan yang ngirim gue yakin mereka pasti cuma skimming through the applicants dan cuma bener-bener stop untuk menilik lebih lanjut sama yg resume di Jobstreet nya panjang. Bahkan mereka gak cantumin email perusahaan disana bikin proses makin sulit. Dammit. God I hate iiiiiiiit.

Finale Master of None bikin gue lemes karena bahas soal... you know. This... Saat karakter Noel Wells breakdown karena dia gak yakin apa yang dia lakuin ini bener dan dia gak muda lagi kemudian dia nekat pindah ke Jepang tanpa bisa apa-apa karena dia gak mau tua nanti refleksi diri dan menyesal... atau pas Aziz Ansari gitu aja akhirnya ikutan nekat sekolah pasti ke Italy cuma karena... ya well, he likes pasta. Is it really that simple tho?

Salah satu yang bikin gue makin getol buat ini semua... gossip makin hot kalau nyokap kayaknya mau ninggalin babeh. For once in my life, I feel sad about a family matter. Gue beneran lihat babeh kayak bokap sendiri. Dia biayain gue kuliah sampai sekarang. Bokap gue apaan, gue inget doi berantem sama nyokap gegara biaya masuk kuliah dan akhirnya ga ikut bantu sepeserpun. Cih. Ngasih jajan pun tiap taon kabisat kali. Guys, seriously don't be a parent unless you're really sure and able to feed your family. Don't be a selfish prick. So yeah, gue ga pernah punya figur bapak sampai gue bareng babeh. Emang gue gak banyak ngobrol sama doi, kita sama-sama awkward kalau barengan. But I can feel the love, you know. And we're not even related by blood.

Daaaan mungkin dia emang kaku dan gak romantis dan kolot dan suka nyolot mungkin nyokap kesel bosen dan pengeeeeen dimanja-manja dimenye-menyein sampai akhirnya dia nemu entah lelaki menjijikkan mana ini yang bisa ngasih apa yang babeh gak kasih ke dia. I get it you're a bored housewife. I get it you got nothing to do everyday. (we're not really different, she and I. *sigh*) Tapi ninggalin babeh buat cowok yang jelas-jelas gak respect rumah tangga orang... gue muak setiap kali mereka teleponan, nyokap selalu pakai bluetooth earpiece, kadang gue pikir dia udah gila karena ngomong sendiri dan earpiece nya ketutupan rambut... text! OMG, they're texting. Sumpah kayak abege. Gue mual lihatnya. I mean, gue yakin bentukan orang ini kayak om-om mafia Hong Kong menjijikan dengan mulut manis dan licin kayak belut. Mau selingkuh sama yang bentukannya dan kantongnya kayak... Mark Harmon gitu. Atau Dermot Mulroney... UGHHHH. Gue suka dibeliin pulsa sama orang misterius ini sih lewat nyokap, dua ratus ribu sekali isi. Bodo amat, gue milk it sekalian. Imlek tahun ini aja gue dapat ampao spesial isinya sejuta I think? Not too shabby. *shrug*

But I mean come ooooon, do you really have to leave? Babeh just bought you a fucking car. Then again, it's not my business (or is it?). I get it, everyone is entitled to their own happiness and if that what makes you happy then I guess... go. For all I care, just go. Maybe it's time for you to be selfish. I just wish to all the stars in the sky that you won't regret this. Rizky dan gue sepakat untuk tetap sama babeh. I'm not gonna leave him after all he's done for me. He's old. He doesn't have any child. Well, unless he finds a new woman then it's an entirely different story ya. Bottomline is... I really really really need to start relyin on myself. Deg-deg an rasanya gue dikejar waktu. Gue bisa lihat dan merasakan kalau nyokap juga kepikiran soal ini. Kayak she's there but her mind is somewhere else. Like I said, we're not really that different hahaha.. ha.. This life is lonely don't you think? Tau gak sih kalau cinta itu bukan perasaan tapi pilihan. Ciee... I read an article about that, it's legit scary hahaha. Yeesh.

Hhhhhhh... untung ada Bagus. He's there. He gets me. I feel safe. Dan entah untuk kesekian kalinya mungkin gue ngomong, dia beneran bisa bikin gue tenang setiap kali gue freak out (untung gak kabur ya tuhan). 

One thing that I'm lookin forward to : Bon Iver's concert, Singapore, on Feb 26. We're going!!! Gue bisa dinyanyiin langsung sama Justin Vernon. Breathe the same air. In the same room. Umf.

Bulan depan sudah akhir tahun. Astaga.

O DESPAIR, YOU WERE THERE THROUGH MY WASTED DAYS, YOU WERE THERE THROUGH MY WASTED NIGHTS, YOU WERE THERE THROUGH MY WASTED YEARS, YOU WERE THERE THROUGH MY WASTED LIIIIIFE.

some sun is gotta rise...