If time passes cruelly / Best friends are essential / We're a little tired, but we're growing up //

Gue suka banget Making Love nya Utada Hikaru sejak dulu tanpa pernah tahu artinya apa, I mean, thats pretty much the case to all japanese songs that i listen to. Terus gue tiba-tiba jatuh cinta lagi sama lagunya pas keputar karena shuffle pas naik gojek. Kebetulan situs lirik yang gue buka buat sing along di gojek ada english translationnya. Terus gue sedih dong di atas motor.

I'm not afraid of long distance or whatever / I feel your being in my heart everyday / It doesn't mean we'll never meet again / It's not absolute, but I keep thinking it might / I'm happy I met you / Do your best even in the distant city / In your new room you're already making love //

Ternyata liriknya tentang pacar yang mau pindah ke kota lain jadi kudu putus dan Utada laments the fact the his ex is already in his new room, in the new city, making love. Azzam dulu ada wacana mau pindah ke Yogya dan gue udah siap-siap kalau suatu saat dia pergi, it's gonna be a bittersweet one. Ahahaha. Who knew that we broke up for an entirely different reason. Bikin mellow-mellow gue di atas gojek jadi berasa absurd dan guoblok.

So yeah, it's been almost a month. And turned out I'm fine. At least I think so... Am I though? I'm not sure. But I think so??? Sedih udah gue lewatin. Marah udah gue lewatin. Kemudian gue langsung maksain diri untuk letting go, karena gue gak suka bawa-bawa perasaan muram dan membebani ini terlalu lama. I want to be free. So I reached out, and I did it my own way. Dan yang paling penting, I did it for me. But I feel like I'm skipping steps??? Rushing through it. Gue jadi gak yakin gue beneran gapapa atau gue lagi denial aja. Beberapa kali gue ketemu Azzam pun rasanya... baik-baik saja. In fact, gue sedikit agak merasa... Azzam yang sekarang ini entah siapa. Kayak Azzam yang kemarin gue kenal abducted sama alien dan ini jelmaan aliennya. Mungkin Scarlet Johansson. Azzam yang gue kenal gak balik-balik.

Dan kalau boleh jujur, gue juga merasa... lega saat putus. Dan jangan-jangan gue merasa baik-baik saja sedikit banyak karena hal itu? That I've been feeling frustrated for a while and now I'm.. absolved?

Hey, gue sedang mandi dan saat tiba-tiba lagu Last Thing On My Mind nya STEPS keputar, dan untuk pertama kalinya sejak gue SD gue demen lagu ini dan catat ulang liriknya dari majalah Aneka ke buku teks lagu gue sendiri (pre-internet gue punya banyak banget buku teks lagu...), gue tiba-tiba mudeng sama artinya dan gue ngakak karena liriknya... WELL BITCH IVE BEEN READ.

You see, now that I have laughed about it too, so I'm okay right???

Leading up to it tho, on some days I felt good, on some days I felt sad. 2 steps forward 1 step back situation. But I said to myself, I'm not afraid of feelings, I'm not afraid of being vulnerable, and I'll feel what I feel. Come what may. I'll be just fine. All in due time.

So I've been distracting myself with a lot of things lately. I went out, meeting a lot of friends - old friends, acquaintances, current friends, new friends. I went on a few dates. I resume my sex life, aha. Etc etc. I'm rejuvenated. Bitch I'm glowin. Terus anehnya gue gak capek-capek ketemu orang terus, I guess I'm gonna crash and burn anytime soon hahaha but knock on wood.

Gue juga agak menghindari untuk curhat karena.. gue malas dengar respon orang macam ah-seenggaknya-masih-ada-pacar-satu-lagi atau ngetawain gue karena kebetulan gue jenis hubungan gue yang gak konvensional ya sewajarnya ini terjadi di hubungan gue. They don't understand. They don't know all the.. nuances. Ya pacar gue dua. Tapi gak berarti pacaran gue gak serius. This is serious. He mattered to me, a whole fucking lot. Bagus gak usah ditanya lagi. And I gave both of them my 110%. Jadi buat yang LOLed at my face, raised an eyebrow, scoffed at my stories. Fuck yall. Go try to find a good partner and maintain your relationship good hahaha. Here's a rabbit foot and a four leaf clover you'll need all the luck you can get.

But looking back... 10 months, its like 4 yrs in gay years perhaps? Hahaha. He's already integrated in my daily life, so yeah, I gotta fill that void with some things. I don't think I'm gonna forgive him anytime soon - and if I do one day, I don't think I'm gonna give him the satisfaction of being forgiven by telling him juga -  but I feel like we're gonna be fine, remain as good friends yknow. He's a good friend I think? But a shitty boyfriend for sure. I mean he's not all bad, I had a lot of things to be cherished kok. But yeah, he can be... a lot... better. Disclaimer: I'm also not perfect and has a lot of flaws, naturally. I'm not always easy. I'm a lot. But this is my side of story ya.

Gue sempat marah dan tidak habis pikir, gue merasa taken for granted for sure, I gave and I gave (sigh it's just in my nature... (._.  )) Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir... it's a bit unfair for him, since giving him things - be it my attention my love or material things - was all my decision. Yang penting, I did good, I did my best, I stood by him through thick and thin.

BUT ANYWAY.

I still miss him from time to time.
I still think and wonder about his well being.
Tapi ya...
Hehe...
Yaudah...
I wish him good.

Dust my shoulders off.

Movin on.

I leveled up.

:)