OK GOOGLE OPEN SPOTIFY PLAY VANESSA CARLTON - MY BEST

Honestly, that heartbreak is one of the triggers that set a chain of events.
I realized I haven't been happy for a long while. I feel trapped.
And as always, my fight or flight response is to flight.
Suddenly I felt so sure, I don't have the energy to fight for this anymore.
I just want... out. I just want to be free.

I feel like I've been looking for something, more.
Something that I'm not even sure what it is.
But I know it's not.. this.

I've been looking for it??? and I hurt Bagus in the process.
I can't stay in this relationship solely because he's a safe space.
A security blanket. It's not fair to him and clearly I can't do that to him.

Also, he's been looking for himself.
He always sees us as a unit, yknow, and when he realized that I have a life of my own,
or that I am my own person, he feels lost.
"Who am I without Cavin?"

I love him so so so very much, I'd die for him you know. Without second guessing even.
He's the best boyfriend you could ever ask for honestly.
Caring, understanding, sensible, generous, and he listens. He really listens.
He's funny, and witty, he's... he's a 9/10.

But when he asked if I'm still in love with him... I was stunned.
As usual, he posed a question that makes me think of things that I've never thought before.
I love him, yes, but am I still in love with him.........
huh.........?
Cos yes, those two are different things.
And I think, at that time we both knew, the pause was an answer.

So we cried.

After a series of very long talks, we finally agreed to end this.
Consciously uncoupling, kalau kata Gwyneth Paltrow.
Our 4+ years of being together, ended.

I mean, he'll always be a special someone.
He's a best friend first and foremost.
Whoever comes next, they have to understand that we'll always be in each other's life.
I feel like, we're.. evolving. Just like Steg and Opal said, we're independent together.
And yes, we're still living together. We have lots of split bills to pay hahaha.

Gue jadi gak kebayang untuk mulai relationship lagi bagaimana.
Beneran, there's no guarantee. 4 yrs from now, you and your partner could be two different people that want different things as well. Values yang kalian pegang dari awal bisa berubah.
So then, what's the fucking point...

Right now.. I feel like.. a big chunk of myself is.. well, not demolished but.. being renovated???
And I'm as lost as ever, but I feel like I would prefer a voyage instead of.. a safe anchor. Cie gitu.

I'm on Instagram hiatus, cos I don't want to see.. things.. that I don't want to see.
Gue juga pulang ke rumah karena rasanya ingin menghilang.
Dan gue kangen Bagus banget.
Gue juga kangen excitements dan rush dua minggu itu.

I also realized I tend to.. throw myself out there, all the way in.
Putting my heart on my sleeves. Betting everything that I have on the table.
I love the rush. It makes me feel alive.
Astaga, mungkin kalau gue punya banyak uang gue punya gambling addiction...

Dan walaupun gue seringkali bersikeras kalau gue gak dependant sama pasangan gue,
kayak pas Stev putusin gue 7 tahun lalu dia bilang dia gak bisa ngurusin gue juga on top of all of his problems, dan gue dengan gengsinya bilang siapa-juga-yang-minta-diurusin..
Cavin, you were lying to yourself.

I did depend on him. I did depend on Bagus. Heck, I even did depend on Azzam.
Karena gue mau mereka juga bergantung sama gue.
I need to tend to their needs. I need to feel needed.
Because caring and loving, cuma itu yang gue punya, cuma itu yang gue bisa.
Gue percaya kalau gue gak punya apa-apa lagi selain itu.
And that's.. incredibly unhealthy.

Yeah.

Oh my god.
I'm so scared.
I'm alone after all this time.
Well, not really, considering..
Yknow.. I have Bagus. I have them, my friends.
Gue masih kaget, gue sadar kalau ternyata banyak yang care sama gue?
So shoutouts for them, yang nanyain kabar gue, checking up on me every now and then (bahkan ada yang setiap hari??? THANKS???)..
Fuck here comes the waterworks.
Thank you thank you thank you thank yous..
Bagus, Casper, Rizabear, Ardy, Dendy, i love you guys? So much.

But yeah, still..
It's pretty terrifying.

2020.

(._.  )

Tell me I'll be just fine.

I'll be fine.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I hope so.